An Open So-Called Letter

Dear Hebrew-Israelites,

There are some things we all think you should know. Firstly, us Black Jews [us REAL ones: Ortho, Reform, Conserv, what have you] would like to deeply thank you for f*cking the term “Hebrew” up for all of us and for making a general mockery of our existence. Thanks ever so. No, really. That’s not being sarcastic at all. To say us and the rest of Judaism are following a “false religion” is extremely funny coming from a cult-like group that follows a Judeo-Christian hybrid which neither side acknowledges. Seriously guys. You make “sacrifices” on barbeque pits in the middle of the sidewalk. That sound you hear is 2009 knocking on the door trying to get in. Or maybe it’s reality. I can never tell.

Dear Israelites, what is your perseveration in saying that we are slaves to a “White” book? [i.e., theTalmud…the fact notwithstanding that you follow the New Testament…which was originally written in Greek…and canonized by a Roman emperor…Translated into Latin…And then translated into English by, y’know, THE KING OF ENGLAND…So yeah, do the math there…]

Dear Israelites, even if the Talmud is a “White” book [which would be highly unlikely, it having been composed in Babylon and Israel]. So what? Is there anything inherently “white” about saying “You can start prayer in the morning when the light is strong enough to distinguish between blue and green”? Or about saying “This is how you make tzitzit. Not just some graduation tassels attached to your jeans”? Or “Hey, don’t go wandering around at weird hours alone”? Or “To save a life is to save the entire world”? It’s just helpful guidance, man. Do you not use light because Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb and he’s White? Or you don’t drive cars because
they were invented by White Henry Ford? And I KNOW y’all wear cotton. That’s a whole bag of slavery-filled worms in itself.

And by the way, we get it. Hell a lot of us even agree: the original Jews were Black. That having been said, so what? What’s the point of standing on the corner on your loudspeaker on Shabbat telling us how black the first Jews were when, y’know, YOU’RE STANDING ON THE CORNER ON YOUR LOUDSPEAKER ON SHABBAT?? That’s like a homeless guy talking about his rich his parents are. What’s the point? Either actually be about it or shut up. We’re really not interested in the out of context scriptures you’re hive-mind chanting at us anyway. 

And speaking of scripture, please direct me to where it says “Behold, and thou shalt dress in a manner as if thou art the bastard offspring of a threesome between the Power Rangers, the Village People, and Lawrence of Arabia.”

Dear Israelites, if the funny little rumor I heard is true, why do you pay White people to play dumb so you can defeat them with your dubious logic? Because by all rights your arguments should go down something like this:

“The so-called White Jews are pretenders. That’s why they’re Jew-ish! What does reddish mean? Not really red, right? What does bluish mean? Kinda blue, right? So they’re Jew-ish. Not reallyJews, but kinda.”

“…So if I’m Irish, does that mean I’m almost from Ireland?”

[Dumb look]

See? Why would someone not make that normal logical progression unless they were being paidnot to? Tricksy, tricksy Israelites, you.

I’m almost baffled at how you’re able to recruit, what with you fighting White people, condescending on Black people, suppressing women, and collecting wives like Pokemon.

But I’ve gotta admit I’m a lil bit jealous. You guys have got your schools and “temples” and communities and such. Even a website. That’s more than us JOCs have. If only there were a way to harness your power.

And, y’know, not have the crazy rub off.


Order Thoughts From A Unicorn: 100% Black. 100% Jewish. 0% Safe.

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