real talk parsha: toldot [gen 25:19-28:9]

and this week we have the parsha on the forefather with the most useless p.r. agent in the history of the bible. not only does isaac only squeeze out just one section, but his spotlight gets stolen halfway through but jacob and esau. i mean think about it. you say abraham and you think, “oh yeah, the first dude. the dude that circumcises himself. the dude in the furnace. the dude who sacrifices his kid. the dude with the three angels.”  say jacob: “right!  he was the dude with the evil twin! and the twelve kids.  and the birthright trick.  and the goat trick.  and opened some whupass on an angel.”  but isaac?  “uh…that guy who got tied to a rock…and, oh yeah, he didn’t know his kid was evil.”

although to be fair, isaac grew up in abraham’s home where he didn’t really see ppl be shady.  [except, y’know, that whole deal where ishmael would shoot arrows at him and call it “playing”, but apparently that was completely forgotten water under the bridge.]  but rebecca was on point, because she, unlike isaac grew up in what was apparently biblical compton:

rebecca:  what’re you doing over, esau?

esau: yes, mother?

rebecca:  don’t gimme that “yes mother” bullsh*t, mother*cker.  i axed you what your @ss was up to.

esau: but why would you speak to me thusly?

rebecca: aight look.  first, cut this shakespeare bullsh*t.  second, i seent you n***a, aight?  that ish might fly with isaac, but don’t bring that this way, na mean?  i smoked tougher gangstas than you, aight?  back in my hood, you woulda been iced in a camel-by with the quickness, ya feel me?

and that’s why isaac loved esau, but rebecca loved jacob.  also, everyone talks about how jacob was a trickster.  but if isaac grew up in vanilla-land with abraham, where did jacob get all tricksy from?  i think rebecca was teaching him some hard street lessons on the low, na mean?  i mean, that birthright hustle he pulled on esau?

[esau twitches, sniffs heavily]

esau:  yo man.

jacob: what’s good?

esau:  hook me up man.

jacob:  hook you up?  whatchu talkin bout?

esau:  you know what i’m talking bout.  gimme that lentil-ish.  that good red sticky icky.

jacob: i dunno man.

esau:  yo, you know i’m good for it.

jacob: i dunno…you mad hot right now.  wearing them nimrod threads.

esau:  yo, c’mon, bruh.

[jacob sighs]

jacob:  aight, look.  imma hook you up this one time, aight?  this one time.  but imma need your birthright.

esau: pssh.   aight, man.  done.

jacob:  and run them pants.

esau:  the pants too, man?

jacob:  yo, you wanna get wet or what?

esau:  aight, aight.  take the pants.

and let’s not forget the blessing switcheroo like so scheme out of “the sting”.

rebecca: yo jacob.

jacob: what up, ma dukes.

rebecca: look, your pops is tryna give esau the blessing little man.

jacob:  what?  esau?  that’s that bullsh*t.

rebecca: i know.  real talk?  i can’t stand the mother*cker.  so you needs to get up in there and cop that ish.

jacob:  trick pops?  i dunno…

[rebecca slaps jacob]

rebecca: i ain’t taught you no sense? acting like i ain’t gave you no home training.  git yo @ss in there, boy.  and don’t worry about ya pops, i got him.

ahh…the family that hustles together, stays together…or something.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]


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