real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so does anyone else wonder why lavan takes it so personally after jacob just up and books?  i know i do.  i mean, did lavan forget their first meeting? forget the fact that jacob had to send him a coded message which essentially translated to “anything you can do i can do better”.

when jacob first shows up in aram–fresh from having been robbed along the way and pushing a huge stone of a well–lavan greets him…then, as the midrash tells us, lavan is disappointed that jacob has no gifts and wealth with him [remember, lavan was around for eliezer’s “prince ali” routine for rebecca] and, on a hunch that jacob is hiding it on his person, proceeds to fondle and kiss jacob to find the wealth…right.  looking for jacob’s “jewels”. no kidding.

one: ive always assumed that pushing a rock off the mouth of a well was exhausting work.  well, it’s obviously more exhausting than i thought since it apparently leaves you completely powerless to defend against YOUR UNCLE SHOVING HIS TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH. two: no wonder jacob got the hell outta dodge the first chance he got.  lavan was apparently one of “those” uncles.  y’know.  the “let’s play in uncle touchy’s naked basement of shame” kinda uncles.

excellent.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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