real talk parsha: miketz [gen 41:1–44:17]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

last week on “joseph: the series” [yep, im running this soap opera trope to the ground. hopefully youve all recovered from last week’s drinkalong], joseph tells pharoah’s butler to remember him. which of course, he doesnt. [drink]. meanwhile, apparently pharoah’s dealer gives him some bad stuff, leading to pharoah having crazy dreams about sevens, cows, and grain, and thereby making pharoah the first first person to experience the munchies AS they were high. pharoah is still flipping out on his bad trip and making everyone worried. enter butler’s selective memory. we slip back into soap opera/fairytale mode as joseph can correctly interpret the dream, wins pharoah’s heart, goes from rags to riches, and gets the girl.

in “meanwhile, back at the ranch style” we’re reminded that everyone back home thinks joseph is fairly completely dead. also, its famine time, during which the brothers apparently spend all their time sitting around looking at each other, which completely pisses the crap out of jacob [although to be fair, that would be fairly maddening to experience even if there werent a famine or a dead/missing son in the equation]. off the brothers go to egypt where [dun!dun!dun!] joseph awaits. in an effort to “better” them and “help them atone for selling him” [uh huh. alright joseph. we’ll buy ur story] joseph gives his bros the royal jerk around with prison stays, spy accusations, and other tactics brought to you by the fine ppl at guantanamo bay. he sends them home and tells them not to come back unless they also bring their youngest brother benjamin with them [who sat out on this little road trip].

the brothers go back home with the food, totally flip out when they see their money is right back in their bags, and tell jacob they cant go back for more unless they bring benjy with them. jacob says hell no…then three stomach growls later says okay, fine. so everybody ends up back in egypt and joseph holds a feast for them where he catches up, laughs a little, cries a little, pops some zoloft, and sends everybody home after hiding his cup in benjy’s bag.

when the brothers discover the cup in benjy’s bag, its right back to egypt [honestly, i think fellowship of the RING did less walking back and forth than these guys] where joseph declares that the rest of the brothers can go free…except for the cup thief. since up until now the bros were okay with joseph’s treatment b/c they figured they deserved it, once benjy starts getting flak–the only one NOT involved in the joseph liquidation sale–judah figures enough is enough, and as joseph’s servants roll out the carbonite machine, judah steps to joseph and–THEN IT ENDS.  RIGHT THERE!

a cliffhanger?? really?? what, is it sweeps week up there? trying to keep the angels at the edge of their seats? thats like if  the two towers ended just when the rohirrim show up at helm’s deep!  how can you just


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