real talk parsha: va’era [ex 6:2–9:35]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

i gotta tell you: pharaoh is prolly the worst person in the world to order lunch with. or do anything with really.  so moses comes and is like “dude, im gonna hit you with blood.” pharoah’s like “bet”. moses hits him with blood. pharaoh’s all like “whoooa, this ish is real! make it stop and imma let ur people go.” moses makes the blood go away. pharoah’s like “nahh, not really though.”

now take this and rinse, lather, and repeat for frogs, lice, wild beasts, pestilence, boils, hail, and jonas brothers.  if this is how annoyingly indecisive he was with the craziest supernatural bad mojo known to man happening to him, imagine how maddening he would be to deal with for something as mundane as, oh, ordering a pizza with friends or something:

imhotep: yo pharaoh, we’re ordering pizza. you in?

pharaoh: sure. lemme get some pineapples on my side.

anck-su-namun: that’s sounds good. ill get pineapple too.

pharaoh: pineapple? i want extra cheese.

anck-su-namun: but you just said pineapple

pharaoh: yeah, well, i changed my mind.

imhotep: and here we go. you always do this!

pharaoh: do what?

imhotep: every four seconds with you you’re changing your mind.  the hell man?

anck-su-namun: and before the food even get here lemme tell you: yes. i want ALL of my food. not some of it. im not gonna eat the pizza and fries and you take the soda. i am eating it ALL.

pharaoh: so what do i get out of this then?

anck-su-namun: what do you get out of not trying to get some of my food? you get me not kicking your ass. does that work for you? not getting your ass kicked?

imhotep: ok, look, lets not even get into that right now. the total is $27.85, so that’s like $9.30 a person.

pharaoh: well i don’t have anything on me right now, but if you pay for it for me, ill promise to pay you back

imhotep:…right. just like you promised i could borrow that black eye peas album if i helped you move, right? but then i did it, and you were like you changed your mind?

pharaoh: i don’t know what ur talking about

imhotep: you don’t know what i’m talking about.

pharaoh: i don’t know what ur talking about

anck-su-namun: hey, how bout if you shut up i promise to not kick your ass, but then i kick it anyway?


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2 thoughts on “real talk parsha: va’era [ex 6:2–9:35]

  1. I saw your “Sheet Happens” video from Aliza Hausman’s website and it was so funny, I had to go to your site. I love this post about Exodus. I absolutely love how you make it accessible using modern, pop culture references. I’m an English teacher who does the same thing, so I completely appreciate it. I look forward to your posts.



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