real talk parsha: beshalach [ex 13:17–15:26]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

manishtana fact no. 11: im a big fan of aquaman.

not so much the costume but the character. i think he’s highly underused and has a lot of untapped potential b/c its easier to write him off as a third string character. but the dude is the king arthur of the sea, PLUS he can command fish…of course while that sounds kickass on paper, it doesnt really work so much in real life. fish have a memory span of about 3 seconds. thats why they die if you put too much food in the water: theyve literally forgotten that they JUST finished eating and so eat themselves to death. so with a power to command fish you’d really end up getting nowhere:

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: you! fish! come here!

fish: sure!

aquaman: black manta has a bomb. i need you to–

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: yes, hi, great. look, you’re gonna have to swim down to the–

fish: oh wow! hi aquaman!

aquaman: ok, SERIOUSLY pay attention!

fish: sure thing aquaman!

aquaman: good. now the fuse line is–

fish: hi aquaman!

see? kind of a useless power. the kind of useless power which is only second, apparently, to being leader of the jewish people:

israel: yay! 10 plagues! you rock moses!

moses: great! but lets hurry cuz egypt is on our backs right now.

israel: what? why is egypt trying to kill us? why dont you ever do anything GOOD for us moses? we hate you!

moses: uh, what? ok, nevermind. quick into the sea that’s splitting over here!

israel: excellent! moses you’re the best!

moses: um…thank yo–

israel: hey you got any water?

moses: not…not on me right now, n–

israel: you suck moses! i dont know we ever listened to you!

moses: what the f…*ahem*…ok look, i threw some wood into this pond here. drink.

israel: dude! thats why you’re the man moses!

moses: are you…are you guys really okay? cuz it–

israel: OMG moses, can you try to NOT have us die of hunger?

moses: how are you even—

israel: ooh! quails!

moses: okay, im really not–

israel: seriously moses, we’re HUNGRY!

moses: you cant be ser–

israel: ooh! manna!

moses: honestly, this is just ridic–

israel: got any water moses?

moses: but you just HAD–

[punches a rock]

moses: HERE! here’s ur water!

israel: YAY MOSES!

Gd: heeeey moses…can i talk to you over here?

moses: sure

Gd: yeah…im gonna need you to not do that again.

moses: no problem

Gd: good. cuz, like, i will srsly kill you if you do that again.

moses: never happen again

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]


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