real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so, after pharaoh’s back and forth yo-yo game with moses, egypt gets hit with the last of the plagues, including death of the firstborn.  not sure if anyone realizes, but death of the firstborn is quite possibly the most devastating plague anybody can get hit with. and i say this not b/c of the obvious “death” part [or b/c im a firstborn myself–shout-out to all my erev pesach siyum heads] but b/c death of the firstborn is the plague that just keeps on giving:

[audience applause]

maury: welcome back. now this is imhotep and anck-su-namun. imhotep says that he feels his 3 yr old son mathayus may be child of another man.  but his wife anck-su-namun denies ever having an affair and claims that little mathayus is his.  let’s hear your side of the story imhotep.

imhotep: see, im an overseer, right? i spent a lot of time out of the house whipping hebrew slaves.  its my job, yknow? im just tryna take of my family, so im out of the house a lot.  then moses comes along and turns all the dust to lice, so now there’s nothing for the slaves to do and im out of a job. so i come home early and i see this ardeth bay dude creeping out the back of my house.

anck-su-namun: oh you STILL on that? it aint even like that. you just need to care of yo responsibilities. this is YO child!

[audience applause]

imhotep: whatever! whatever! you dont KNOW me!

maury: so imhotep, look at little mathayus there.

[picture of mathayus appears on screen]

[audiences “awww”s]

maury: why would anyone wanna deny that child?

imhotep: well, see, i THOUGHT he was my son.  but then i come home after that whole death of the firstborn plague? and mathayus is still alive. what the [bleep] is THAT [bleep] about?

anck-su-namun: look, i dont even know why we here. i told you horus was watching over him.

imhotep: plz, thats that [bleep].

maury: well ive got the paternity test results right here and we’re gonna get to the bottom of this.

[audience applause]

maury: imhotep…in the case of  3 yr old mathayus…you are NOT the father!

[imhotep jumps up, anck-su-namun runs offstage in tears]

imhotep: i TOLD you! i TOLD you!

see? keeps on giving.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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