Where Are The Jews of Wakanda?

 

This article originally appeared in Tablet Magazine.

Since the Hollywood premiere of Marvel Studio’s latest superhero flick, Black Panther, the interwebs have been all atwitter with buzz and anticipation for its opening this Friday.

Of course, over in the African-American community we’ve been electrified since the first trailer dropped back in October. And why not? Debuting in Fantastic Four #52 (July 1966), T’Challa—otherwise known as the Black Panther—was the first superhero of African descent in mainstream American comics, hailing from the fictional African kingdom of Wakanda. An isolationist country, Wakanda was the most technologically advanced nation on the planet, and home to vibranium, a rare, naturally occurring meteoric ore with energy-manipulating qualities, which not only made Wakanda one of the most economically stable nations on the planet, but was also responsible for the creation of Captain America’s famously unyielding shield.

With a resume like that, it’s no wonder why the past few months have been filled with thinkpieces full of hope surrounding a restructuring of the cinematic and social perception of Africa and its descended peoples, joy around the watershed moment of the arrival of African sci-fi and fantasy, known as “Afro-futurism,” into the mainstream, and just the general ecstasy of #blackpeoplemagic. (Also, damn, Angela Basset. Can you age maybe just one day? That’s it. Just one. Kthx.)

As a fanboy myself, from the days before being a “blerd” was cool, I’m just as ecstatic as everyone else is to finally see Wakanda in all its onscreen glory. Yet, simultaneously, I find myself feeling conversely to how I often do in American Jewish spaces. In this African-American cultural moment, where am I? Where’s the rest of me? What space do Jews have in Afro-futurism? Or, more specifically: Where are Wakanda’s Jews?

Bear with me, it’s not as far-fetched as it seems.

Wakanda, after all, has never been enslaved or colonized, so it makes sense why the standard fare of Christianity and Islam don’t exist there, since both their presences in Africa are largely by-products of conquest. But where are my Jews at?

Wakanda is apocryphally located somewhere in Northeastern Africa, so it’s already close to a well-known population of Jews, the Ethiopian Beta Israel. In the same general area are the Yibir in Somalia, who have a tradition of being Jews before they were converted to Islam. To west there were the Jews of the Bilad al-Sudan—with records attesting to their presence in the Ghana, Mali, and Songhai empires—and the community of Zuwa Alyaman of Koukiya by the Niger River—according to local legend, Zuwa was a member of one of the Jewish communities transported from Yemen by Abyssinians into northeast Africa. Finally, to the south lies Zimbabwe, home to the Lemba of Cohen Model Haplogroup fame.

So, theoretically bounded by Jews on all sides, nobody managed to pass through or stop in Wakanda? The villainous Klaw family made it to Wakanda three times over the course of two generations. And they were actively hostile. A group of nomadic people with weird food preferences couldn’t have wandered in under the radar unnoticed and just hung out? Hell, Flavius Scollo, a soldier for Emperor Caligula, built the Black Tower of M’Kumbe as an outpost and just hung out there for nearly two thousand years until Black Panther and the Fantastic Four discovered him in the then modern-day of 1982 (Fantastic Four #241, April 1982). And he’d been spending all those centuries capturing Wakandans from the surrounding area to be his subjects.

Two thousand year-old Roman legionnaires encased head-to-toe in golden armor from an alien ship that imbues them with longevity and telekinetic manipulation of their surroundings? Sounds legit.

African Jews in an African kingdom? Whoa, there buddy.

(Although, it should be tangentially noted that Kevin “Kaspar” Cole, temporary bearer of the Black Panther moniker in New York, and current White Tiger—despite Marvel’s strong Jewish representation from the secular Marc Spector (Moon Knight) to the possibly Reform Ben Grimm (The Thing) to Orthodox yeshiva student Naftali, friend of Kamala Khan (Ms. Marvel)—is the sole mainstream comicbook character who is a Jew of Color. Cole’s mother is white and Jewish, and his father is an African-American Christian. We still haven’t moved past the cliché of Jews of Color necessarily being products of intermarriage, adoption, or conversion, but hey, it’s a start.)

However, in all seriousness, just as much as it’s important for Jews of Color to have a voice at the American Jewish table, it’s equally as crucial that we are present and counted in the fictional future of “blackness,” even if it’s just a comic book story about Jews in some secret kingdom hidden away from sight with superior magic and technology, virtually inaccessible to the rest of civilization.

Wait…Jews. Hidden kingdom. Superior magic and technology. Inaccessible to civilization…sounds like…Sambatyon?

Holy crap, guys, what if the Wakandans are the Jews of Wakanda?

Mah Nishtanah Ha-MaNishtana Ha-Zeh?

Hi, I’m MaNishtana, and it’s time for something new. Again.

Yesterday saw the unveiling of Jewnited Nations Magazine, a project I’ve been working on for a little while and so far has gotten a pretty good reception. And today I’m closing the doors on MaNishtana’s Musings, making way for my brand spanking new old site, MaNishtana.net. Again.

Yep, it’s a little bit of a flashback to 2010, and there’s a reason for that.

I started my blog in 2009 to put my voice out there. And in putting my voice out there, in certain ways I became the de facto voice for everyone experiencing the highs and lows of JOC-life. For a little while, that was great.

When I moved from my WordPress to MaNishtana.net and made it a niche social network, there was now a space for people, in the groups and in the forums, to create their own conversations, a concept that was carried on into the later MaNishtana’s Musings.

But it was always the “MaNishtana” name slapped on the front. My voice was THE voice, it dominated everything, and everyone else was sort of just my backup choir. And that’s nearly as backwards as not having a voice at all. Because for all my well-meaning, I’m not the mouthpiece of every JOC in the world, nor does my experience mirror every JOC experience in the world. It was time for the voices of other JOCs to be…the voices for other JOCs.

And so JN Magazine was born.

Will I still be blogging? Yes. Right here. On my personal blog. Because, despite their resonance across the greater JOC continuum, they are my personal thoughts given my personal experience, not the end-all and be-all of all JOCThought everywhere.

But even moreso than that, JN Magazine, and the articles that I contribute to it, is about non-reactionary thoughts.

JOCs do need visibility, but “visibility” doesn’t always necessarily jive with “reactionary”. That’s just negative space that never defines what the space is. And I think it’s high time we defined what the JOC space is.

What we think. Not what we want other people not to think.

Because, crazily enough, we actually do have thoughts, opinions, philosophies, and ideologies that exist outside the context of “Hey, JOCs are this month’s flavor, so what do you think about THIS?” or “Hey, this White Jewish person said/did THIS stupid thing, so what do you think about it?”.

Our ability to feel some type of way doesn’t disappear when you’re not asking us anything, nor does our ability to write eloquently not exist whenever we’re not showing up in a “mainstream” Jewish mag to win them points on diversifying their color palette.

We don’t disappear just because you’re not looking at us.

But don’t be surprised when we’re looking at you. And don’t be surprised when we’re not.

And before I sign off I’d just like to give credit where credit is due, to the godfather of online magazines for and by JOCS, Kehila Magazine by Tali Adina. She blazed the trail already, I’m just walking through what she already cleared away. Check out an interview with her here.

Just, y’know, ignore the photo attached to that article. It’s a Hebrew Israelite congregation (of course unrelated to the actual content of the actual Black Jew being interviewed). So, yeah, we all know how I feel about those.

Anyway, check out JN Magazine. Feel free to write for it, even.

And come back here whenever you want a good ol’ two-fisted reactionary bitchfest. You know I’m good for it. 😀

—MaNishtana
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After Nearly A Century, American Judaism STILL Can’t Be Bothered With The Difference

Hi, I’m MaNishtana, and right now I am seriously, seriously, seriously annoyed.

Yet again, in an amazing show of irresponsible journalism and a masterful tapestry interweaving falsehoods, half-truths, emotional pandering, and guilt-baiting, the latest article from Tablet Magazine reads “Black Jewish Congregations Get Their Own Prayer Book, After Nearly a Century”, with a heartstring-tugging subtitle of “Mainstream Judaism doesn’t recognize their temples or their rabbis. In a new siddur, Black Jews tell their community’s story.”

Look, I don’t know how, many, times I have to tell you, but this IS NOT BLACK JUDAISM. IT IS NOT BLACK JEWRY. IT IS NOT THE BLACK JEWISH COMMUNITY.

“West African Jewish” liturgy and traditions? Really? Do the Igbo know about this? The Sefwi? Because I’m willing to bet they’d be hella surprised that apparently there’s some Jewish tradition that apparently they should be following, since, y’know, THEY’RE ACTUALLY WEST AFRICAN JEWS.

I’m really not understanding why I have to keep reiterating this point. ESPECIALLY since you’ve already demonstrated that you understand the concept.

What am I talking about?

Well this article right here from–shockingly enough–Tablet Magazine.

In it, it describes a group of Christians–White Christians–who have taken on Jewish practices. Orthodox practices even, such as getting circumcised, laying tefillin, keeping kosher, keeping Shabbat and holidays, and growing peyot.

However, does Tablet say these folk are “Jews who mainstream Judaism doesn’t recognize”? That they are part of “American Jewry”?

Nope.

In fact, how does Tablet describe this group? Well, let’s see:

“Many of the thousand-plus people who attended Revive 2013, a religious conference held at the Dallas Sheraton last June, wear tzitzit. Many keep kosher and observe the Sabbath and Jewish holidays. Some of the men have beards and peyos. Some have even undergone adult circumcision and/or have circumcised their children. They learn Hebrew, Chumash, even Talmud, and travel whenever they can to Israel. All of them truly, deeply love Hashem.

Yet I’m fairly certain I was the only Jewish person there.”

“a movement of—for lack of a better term—Torah-observant gentiles. These are non-Jews who have no intention of converting to Judaism yet follow laws, customs, beliefs, and practices commonly associated with Judaism.

“Between classes I visited a small conference room on the second floor that acted as a makeshift day care. Most of the 20 or so children were wearing tzitzit, and some had yarmulkes—which are a rabbinic, not a biblical, precept. They listened as the counselors spoke about Hashem, forefathers, prayers, and Israel. When the children would get a little rowdy, the counselor would say a Hebrew prayer call-and-response: “Barchu es Ad-nai hamevorach!” And the kids would shout back, “Baruch Ad-nai hamevorach l’olam va’ed!”

“And many are fulfilling mitzvot that aren’t explicitly stated or detailed in the Torah, such as praying the rabbinic liturgy and observing Hanukkah. Some put on kosher tefillin every morning, and I met a number of Hebrew Roots followers who do not touch money on the Sabbath—which many of them call “Shabbos,” in the style of contemporary ultra-Orthodox Jews.
The unprecedented accessibility of Orthodox texts and ideas online has helped facilitate this appropriation.

“I asked Camero, as I asked everyone else I met, why he doesn’t simply convert to Judaism.

So…wait, you do get it Tablet and everyone else? You do get that just because a group of non-Jews has taken on Jewish and even Orthodox practices doesn’t mean that they are Jews?

For all those in the “Well I consider [these “Black Jews”] to be Jews” camp, do you also consider this group to be Jews, too?

So why is it when the group in question is Black, all of a sudden the group is a put-upon oppressed segment of Jews who aren’t being recognized by Big Judaism?

The discrepancy must only mean that, for all your enlightened, socially justified, forward-thinking, let’s-heal-the-world liberalism…you just don’t care.

—MaNishtana
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my one night stand-off

hey guys.  i know, i know, i’ve been a little bit lax for the past three or so months.  don’t worry, soon enough you will be able to find the rest of the “real talk parsha: shemot” series at a soon to be disclosed place.  but i’ve got a good excuse why i’ve fallen off the wagon.  see, after an eight-year relationship i recently found myself very un-engaged.

[audience: awww…..]

yeah, yeah, relax guys, i’m alright.  but in my newfound singleness i decided—mostly for kicks—hey, why not join one of them there jewish dating sites i hear so much about?  i’m really curious what kinda freaks [physically, not sexually] they’d hook me up with.  so over to frumster.com i go.

firstly, i’m annoyed before i even get out the gate.  why?  well, apparently, according to frumster, there’s only two kinds of “ethnicities”: ashkenazi and sefaradi.  if you’re not one of those two, your only other options are “mixed ethnic” and “convert”.

zuh??

**grumble grumble**

alright, so just to keep the ball rolling, i check “sefaradi”, but when it gets to the “about you” section, i give frumster a lil piece of my mind:

“about me? well, firstly i’m known ocassionally as the blogger manishtana. look me up. also, im a lil annoyed that the only categories under ethnicity are ashkenaz, sfardi, mixed ethnic and convert. im none of those. however, there’s no african-american tab, so here i am. beyond that, i’m pretty much the same collection of cliches every other guy throws out there. “fun-loving” “likes to have a good time” “down to earth” “easygoing”. except in my case you should prolly add “seethingly sarcastic” and “awesome”. or just talk to me and find out “about” me.”

anyhoo, i finish my profile, upload my pic, keep it moving and sign out.

fast forward to 10:37 the next morning, and i find an email in my inbox.  it’s from frumster:

“can you tell me a little bit about your jewish background as part of a basic screening process?”

at first, i’m inclined to comply.  then i think, waitaminute, i already answered “modern orthodox” when they asked my religious observance.  i clicked “orthodox religious” when they asked the household i was raised in.  what exactly can they possibly be asking for at this point?  i have to admit, i’m slightly heated at this point.  but i decide to give it the benefit of the doubt.  maybe this is just a “basic screening process” kinda deal.  so, [because i’m not a naïve idiot] just to test this, i quickly whip up a fake profile, complete with pic of some white facebook friend of mine, and click “ashkenaz”.

anyhoo, back to replying to frumster:

“what are you interested in knowing?”

frumster:

“you specified in your profile that we did not have your correct ethnicity, can you please explain?”

me:

“i’m an ffb african-american orthodox jew, therefore i don’t ethnically fall into any of the ethnicity categories you provide.”

frumster:

“i apologize if this comes off blunt, but is your mother jewish by birth or orthodox conversion?”

now, i’m really not sure what that has to do with the issue of my ethnicity not being present, but i’m guessing they think they have some kinda troublemaker on their hands now.  not yet they don’t.

me:

“birth.”

frumster:

“i am interested in your background as we do not encounter many ffb african american jews. we have listed options according to where the jewish population comes from. can you tell me about where your family is from and how they came to be jewish?”

so this is where i get heated again and have to call bullshit.  before i was kinda empathetic.  maybe you’re seeing if i’m the real deal or one of the power ranger hebrew israelites you see screaming at you in times square.  [aside from the fact that if you are able to find just ONE who would identify themselves as “ffb” or “modern orthodox”, i’ll give you a million dollars].but now?  no.  it’s time to go in.  of course, i keep it classy as always.

me:

“my family on my mother’s side has been african american and jewish for a couple of centuries. and as for listing options according to “where the jewish population comes from”, not to be snippy, but that seems to be slightly off-kilter to me. aside from the fact that jews can literally be found everywhere, what option would there be for someone born of two “non-standard” ethnic converts to check? someone whose parents are both korean converts, for example, or something of a similar nature.”

and just as i’m about to rev up and send email 2 and really go in about how there are *gasp* non-convert jews of color in the world, BAM!  profile approved.

the entire ordeal took over six hours for my profile to be approved.  my ashkenazi alias?  less than two and a half. and btw, its not “basic screening process” to ask about background.

manishtana: 1, frumster: 0

–MaNishtana

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link love

so. im busy a lot, and i get a lot of article notifications that i’d LOVE to blog about. however, see the aformentioned “im busy alot comment”. so, taking a page from aliza hausman, i introduce “link love”, where ill be just posting articles up here just to get the word out. if i get to blog about them i will, if not, at least you guys get to see the source material.

today’s particular link is directed at the ppl who took offense to my mere suggestion that jocs should feel free to criticize israel if they so feel without being held hostage by their ethnicity. so to all those saying that ethiopians are treated “just fine” and “accepted” in israel and that racism is an “american” judaism problem or that there is no institutionalized racism in judaism, take a gander:

Israel’s treatment of Ethiopians ‘racist’ | Abesha Bunna Bet

feel free to get back to me when ur done.

–MaNishtana

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“Should Old Annoyance Be Forgot…”

here we are with 2009 on its way out and 2010 on its way in. as such, id like to list five new year’s resolutions of sorts [many of which have been inspired by aliza hausman]. now this isnt a list of things that i want to do, but of things i want others to do. and yes, i realize that im a big fat jew, so why am i jumping on the secular/pagan new year’s deal? well, b/c the things id like to see resolved spring from a decidely un-jewish frame of mind and thought, and since you bastards obviously didnt pray any of your idiocy off on rosh hashana, maybe this time you’ll get ur act together. LOL! [no, not really. not even a little bit.] anyhoo.

1. stop telling jocs that they’re too sensitive/complain too much/are career victims. really, its great that u perceive that ur particular inclave is joc-friendly [altho, to add just a lil bit of credence to the merit of ur purported statement, you may want to, i dunno, ASK the jocs in ur inclave how THEY actually feel the community treats them, not how you THINK they feel or SHOULD feel based on your necessarily limited knowledge and experience of the situation]. no, white ppl, just b/c you converted does not mean you are an automatic authority on the woes of the joc community. sure, you might feel some needling due to ur convert status, but that does not even begin to open ur mind to the waves of microaggressions and grade-a ignorance a joc undergoes on a near-daily basis.

1a. as an addendum, id also like to call a halt to statements like “i dont think its THAT bad.” “do you really experience THAT much racism?” “are you sure what ur experiencing isnt just slight unease?” [all of these are actual quotes, btw]. now, [although ill prolly get the same waves of emails asking why i feel the need to devolve to physical violence as i did for my jocslapping video] im gonna give you an example:

imagine that i was complaining that as a joc i was getting punched by people on a constant basis and ur response was “are you really getting punched THAT hard?” see, ur missing the point THAT IM GETTING PUNCHED. stop asking me if im really getting punched “that hard” or “that often”, just STOP FUCKING PUNCHING ME.

2. please, everyone, get over the assumption that racism and ignorance only exist in the orthodox jewish community. the reform and conservatives just do it in hipper clothes and with better hair.

2a. as an addendum: non-orthodox jocs, us orthodox jocs who speak of our negative experiences are not crazy. we feel great that you’ve had such lovely experiences, but sadly that has not been the case for all of us. it isnt something that “we” are “putting out there” or what “we” are “doing”. and although, no, not all ashkenazi or other non-jocs are rabid, horse-riding, sheet wearing racists, yes racism is pervasive and institutionalized in american judaism. please stop trying to tell us its not. when synagogues have in their constitution that “this congregation will not encourage or interfere with making proselytes under any pretence until he, she or they provide credentials…and, provided he, she, or they are not people of color” [congregation kaal kadesh, south carolina] and that the congregation is limited to “white isrealits [sic] only” [another synagogue whose name i cant recall at the moment] then yes, its institutionalized. when a rabbi receives death threats before attending their pulpit b/c they’re black [rabbi alyssa stanton], then yes, its pervasive.

3. randomly, j***h’s witnesses, please stop trying to recruit me while im walking down the block on shabbat in my jewniform. clearly, ive already been drafted by a team. however, im sure some of those guys over there in the dugouts could use your help more. and by “guys in the dugouts” i mean “those Gdless drug dealers over there on the corner”.

4. ppl who dont support/believe in the state of israel are not any more un-jewish than you are. theyre un-ZIONIST. yes “anti-zionist” is usually code for “anti-semitic”…if ur a NON-JEW. but if you ARE jewish, then you know the difference. please stop being so holier-than-thou. if i dont believe ur supporting the state of israel makes you a death-eater, then me not supporting the state of israel shouldnt make me lord voldemort. either way im sure we can BOTH agree that flying planes into buildings is a very not good thing to do.

5. black [and other ethnic] ppl: please stop condescending/pitying us jocs b/c you feel we abandonded your savior to be jews. more importantly, stop patting urselves on the back for remaining so blindly faithful to the religion that was forced down your throat and most responsible for stripping away ur original culture, enslaving you and oppressing you.

thank you for ur time.

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: toldot [gen 25:19-28:9]

and this week we have the parsha on the forefather with the most useless p.r. agent in the history of the bible. not only does isaac only squeeze out just one section, but his spotlight gets stolen halfway through but jacob and esau. i mean think about it. you say abraham and you think, “oh yeah, the first dude. the dude that circumcises himself. the dude in the furnace. the dude who sacrifices his kid. the dude with the three angels.”  say jacob: “right!  he was the dude with the evil twin! and the twelve kids.  and the birthright trick.  and the goat trick.  and opened some whupass on an angel.”  but isaac?  “uh…that guy who got tied to a rock…and, oh yeah, he didn’t know his kid was evil.”

although to be fair, isaac grew up in abraham’s home where he didn’t really see ppl be shady.  [except, y’know, that whole deal where ishmael would shoot arrows at him and call it “playing”, but apparently that was completely forgotten water under the bridge.]  but rebecca was on point, because she, unlike isaac grew up in what was apparently biblical compton:

rebecca:  what’re you doing over, esau?

esau: yes, mother?

rebecca:  don’t gimme that “yes mother” bullsh*t, mother*cker.  i axed you what your @ss was up to.

esau: but why would you speak to me thusly?

rebecca: aight look.  first, cut this shakespeare bullsh*t.  second, i seent you n***a, aight?  that ish might fly with isaac, but don’t bring that this way, na mean?  i smoked tougher gangstas than you, aight?  back in my hood, you woulda been iced in a camel-by with the quickness, ya feel me?

and that’s why isaac loved esau, but rebecca loved jacob.  also, everyone talks about how jacob was a trickster.  but if isaac grew up in vanilla-land with abraham, where did jacob get all tricksy from?  i think rebecca was teaching him some hard street lessons on the low, na mean?  i mean, that birthright hustle he pulled on esau?

[esau twitches, sniffs heavily]

esau:  yo man.

jacob: what’s good?

esau:  hook me up man.

jacob:  hook you up?  whatchu talkin bout?

esau:  you know what i’m talking bout.  gimme that lentil-ish.  that good red sticky icky.

jacob: i dunno man.

esau:  yo, you know i’m good for it.

jacob: i dunno…you mad hot right now.  wearing them nimrod threads.

esau:  yo, c’mon, bruh.

[jacob sighs]

jacob:  aight, look.  imma hook you up this one time, aight?  this one time.  but imma need your birthright.

esau: pssh.   aight, man.  done.

jacob:  and run them pants.

esau:  the pants too, man?

jacob:  yo, you wanna get wet or what?

esau:  aight, aight.  take the pants.

and let’s not forget the blessing switcheroo like so scheme out of “the sting”.

rebecca: yo jacob.

jacob: what up, ma dukes.

rebecca: look, your pops is tryna give esau the blessing little man.

jacob:  what?  esau?  that’s that bullsh*t.

rebecca: i know.  real talk?  i can’t stand the mother*cker.  so you needs to get up in there and cop that ish.

jacob:  trick pops?  i dunno…

[rebecca slaps jacob]

rebecca: i ain’t taught you no sense? acting like i ain’t gave you no home training.  git yo @ss in there, boy.  and don’t worry about ya pops, i got him.

ahh…the family that hustles together, stays together…or something.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Chayei Sarah [gen 23:1–25:18]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

well, after last week’s virtual cornucopia of cannon fodder, we’re left with fairly slim pickings this week, what with sarah dying and abraham buying the cave machpelah [haggling yet again].  but, for all those ppl who hate reality tv and/or disney fairytale stories, we have the eliezer/isaac/rebecca story.  just think “the bachelor” mixed with equal parts “aladdin” with a dash of “cinderella” for good measure. 

i mean, really, didn’t eliezer seriously show up at rebecca’s all prince ali ababwa style?  with, like, gold noserings and bracelets, camels, quite possibly a magic carpet, fifty elephants, lions galore, bears and tigers, a brass band and more, forty fakirs and cooks and bakers and birds that warble on key?  [by the way, yes i said “gold nosering”, to all those ppl shaking their heads at the crazy piercings that are all the rage with the kids nowadays].  but anyways, was her family really surprised when she decided to bounce the next day?  i mean, aside from the wealth just leaking from eliezer’s eyes [and remember, he was just the servant], just the day before rebecca was apparently the water-fetcher-girl of the household.  agreeing to marry this mysterious “isaac” dude was obviously a step up from her current situation.  then again, maybe rebecca was the passive-aggressive, femme fatale type…now that you mention it, her dad bethuel mysteriously dies…rebecca is the sole overseer of the household’s water supply…she doesn’t stay around for the funeral….hmm…you’d better look out, eliezer.  something tells me you’re gonna dearly pay for that whole “give me and my camels some water” ploy…oh look.  you’ve disappeared from the bible after you bring rebbeca to isaac…

kinda makes that scene where Rebecca covers her face when she sees Isaac approaching seem that much creepier, huh.

also, abraham stars in “how abie got his groove back”, shacks up with keturah, and has himself some more kids.  take that, viagra.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Bereshit [Gen 1:1-6:8]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so here we are at the start of it all. the beginning of this wild crazy place called the world as we know it. if anyone ever needed any proof that the first man and woman were in all likelihood black, its right there in black and white for everyone to see. because adam and eve arent in the garden of eden two seconds before they immediately start lowering the property value.

at any rate, the sages traditionally place the blame of the forbidden fruit eating on adam for adding an additional unnecessary fence of not touching the tree to the actual rule of not eating from the tree. as any good rabbi knows, there should be at least 7-12 unnecessary fences around the gate that leads to the bridge that’s in front of the brick wall which surrounds the moat which protects the tower which houses the actual rule in the dungeon that my father bought for two zuzim, a kid, a kid.

other sages say it was adam’s fault for not checking to see if the food eve was offering him was “kosher.”

i say they’re all being too hard on adam. guys, back me up here. after all, we all know how unlikely it is for us to know the eye color of our closest female acquaintances b/c our eyes rarely make the strenuous trek north of a woman’s neck. and thats when she’s fully clothed. eve was naked. adam didnt stand a chance.

adam didn’t check if the food was “kosher”? more like he didnt even realize the nice naked lady in front of him had even given him something to eat in the first place:

eve: so i was in the garden talking to this snake right?

adam: uh huh

eve: and he was like eat this food, it’ll make you, like, a god or something?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway–are you even listening?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway, i had some of it and it tastes alright and stuff, but i dunno.

adam: uh huh

eve: here you try it.

[adam absently takes fruit, bites]

adam: uh huh

eve: see? you feel any different?

adam: uh huh

Gd: um, hey guys…whatcha doing?

adam: nothin

Gd: cool. i was just…adam, are–are you eating the one fruit i specifically asked you not to??

adam: what? what’re you–

[adam looks down at hand]

adam:…oh well this isnt good.  this isnt good at all.

Gd: so, like, can i get an explanation or something?

adam: i–i just–and she–her–with the boobs, and the, and the…the boobs?

Gd:……….okay, so im just gonna ask eve, okay? okay.

see? no chance.

–MaNishtana

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Tonight at 8

so this is a lil bit quicker than id thought, but the first of new changes coming to the blog is already up and running: the MaNishtanaTV channel over at youtube. the stuff there will be generally more lighthearted in tone than whats here at manishtana central [lol. “manishtana central“] but it should still be some pretty juicy stuff. the first vid is up [i personally think its kinda “meh“. im sure you will too] but things should only get better as we go along. lemme know if there’s anything you wanna see on it. anyhoo, let the games begin.

–MaNishtana

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