After Nearly A Century, American Judaism STILL Can’t Be Bothered With The Difference

Hi, I’m MaNishtana, and right now I am seriously, seriously, seriously annoyed.

Yet again, in an amazing show of irresponsible journalism and a masterful tapestry interweaving falsehoods, half-truths, emotional pandering, and guilt-baiting, the latest article from Tablet Magazine reads “Black Jewish Congregations Get Their Own Prayer Book, After Nearly a Century”, with a heartstring-tugging subtitle of “Mainstream Judaism doesn’t recognize their temples or their rabbis. In a new siddur, Black Jews tell their community’s story.”

Look, I don’t know how, many, times I have to tell you, but this IS NOT BLACK JUDAISM. IT IS NOT BLACK JEWRY. IT IS NOT THE BLACK JEWISH COMMUNITY.

“West African Jewish” liturgy and traditions? Really? Do the Igbo know about this? The Sefwi? Because I’m willing to bet they’d be hella surprised that apparently there’s some Jewish tradition that apparently they should be following, since, y’know, THEY’RE ACTUALLY WEST AFRICAN JEWS.

I’m really not understanding why I have to keep reiterating this point. ESPECIALLY since you’ve already demonstrated that you understand the concept.

What am I talking about?

Well this article right here from–shockingly enough–Tablet Magazine.

In it, it describes a group of Christians–White Christians–who have taken on Jewish practices. Orthodox practices even, such as getting circumcised, laying tefillin, keeping kosher, keeping Shabbat and holidays, and growing peyot.

However, does Tablet say these folk are “Jews who mainstream Judaism doesn’t recognize”? That they are part of “American Jewry”?

Nope.

In fact, how does Tablet describe this group? Well, let’s see:

“Many of the thousand-plus people who attended Revive 2013, a religious conference held at the Dallas Sheraton last June, wear tzitzit. Many keep kosher and observe the Sabbath and Jewish holidays. Some of the men have beards and peyos. Some have even undergone adult circumcision and/or have circumcised their children. They learn Hebrew, Chumash, even Talmud, and travel whenever they can to Israel. All of them truly, deeply love Hashem.

Yet I’m fairly certain I was the only Jewish person there.”

“a movement of—for lack of a better term—Torah-observant gentiles. These are non-Jews who have no intention of converting to Judaism yet follow laws, customs, beliefs, and practices commonly associated with Judaism.

“Between classes I visited a small conference room on the second floor that acted as a makeshift day care. Most of the 20 or so children were wearing tzitzit, and some had yarmulkes—which are a rabbinic, not a biblical, precept. They listened as the counselors spoke about Hashem, forefathers, prayers, and Israel. When the children would get a little rowdy, the counselor would say a Hebrew prayer call-and-response: “Barchu es Ad-nai hamevorach!” And the kids would shout back, “Baruch Ad-nai hamevorach l’olam va’ed!”

“And many are fulfilling mitzvot that aren’t explicitly stated or detailed in the Torah, such as praying the rabbinic liturgy and observing Hanukkah. Some put on kosher tefillin every morning, and I met a number of Hebrew Roots followers who do not touch money on the Sabbath—which many of them call “Shabbos,” in the style of contemporary ultra-Orthodox Jews.
The unprecedented accessibility of Orthodox texts and ideas online has helped facilitate this appropriation.

“I asked Camero, as I asked everyone else I met, why he doesn’t simply convert to Judaism.

So…wait, you do get it Tablet and everyone else? You do get that just because a group of non-Jews has taken on Jewish and even Orthodox practices doesn’t mean that they are Jews?

For all those in the “Well I consider [these “Black Jews”] to be Jews” camp, do you also consider this group to be Jews, too?

So why is it when the group in question is Black, all of a sudden the group is a put-upon oppressed segment of Jews who aren’t being recognized by Big Judaism?

The discrepancy must only mean that, for all your enlightened, socially justified, forward-thinking, let’s-heal-the-world liberalism…you just don’t care.

—MaNishtana
Buy Thoughts From A Unicorn: 100% Black. 100% Jewish. 0% Safe.

my one night stand-off

hey guys.  i know, i know, i’ve been a little bit lax for the past three or so months.  don’t worry, soon enough you will be able to find the rest of the “real talk parsha: shemot” series at a soon to be disclosed place.  but i’ve got a good excuse why i’ve fallen off the wagon.  see, after an eight-year relationship i recently found myself very un-engaged.

[audience: awww…..]

yeah, yeah, relax guys, i’m alright.  but in my newfound singleness i decided—mostly for kicks—hey, why not join one of them there jewish dating sites i hear so much about?  i’m really curious what kinda freaks [physically, not sexually] they’d hook me up with.  so over to frumster.com i go.

firstly, i’m annoyed before i even get out the gate.  why?  well, apparently, according to frumster, there’s only two kinds of “ethnicities”: ashkenazi and sefaradi.  if you’re not one of those two, your only other options are “mixed ethnic” and “convert”.

zuh??

**grumble grumble**

alright, so just to keep the ball rolling, i check “sefaradi”, but when it gets to the “about you” section, i give frumster a lil piece of my mind:

“about me? well, firstly i’m known ocassionally as the blogger manishtana. look me up. also, im a lil annoyed that the only categories under ethnicity are ashkenaz, sfardi, mixed ethnic and convert. im none of those. however, there’s no african-american tab, so here i am. beyond that, i’m pretty much the same collection of cliches every other guy throws out there. “fun-loving” “likes to have a good time” “down to earth” “easygoing”. except in my case you should prolly add “seethingly sarcastic” and “awesome”. or just talk to me and find out “about” me.”

anyhoo, i finish my profile, upload my pic, keep it moving and sign out.

fast forward to 10:37 the next morning, and i find an email in my inbox.  it’s from frumster:

“can you tell me a little bit about your jewish background as part of a basic screening process?”

at first, i’m inclined to comply.  then i think, waitaminute, i already answered “modern orthodox” when they asked my religious observance.  i clicked “orthodox religious” when they asked the household i was raised in.  what exactly can they possibly be asking for at this point?  i have to admit, i’m slightly heated at this point.  but i decide to give it the benefit of the doubt.  maybe this is just a “basic screening process” kinda deal.  so, [because i’m not a naïve idiot] just to test this, i quickly whip up a fake profile, complete with pic of some white facebook friend of mine, and click “ashkenaz”.

anyhoo, back to replying to frumster:

“what are you interested in knowing?”

frumster:

“you specified in your profile that we did not have your correct ethnicity, can you please explain?”

me:

“i’m an ffb african-american orthodox jew, therefore i don’t ethnically fall into any of the ethnicity categories you provide.”

frumster:

“i apologize if this comes off blunt, but is your mother jewish by birth or orthodox conversion?”

now, i’m really not sure what that has to do with the issue of my ethnicity not being present, but i’m guessing they think they have some kinda troublemaker on their hands now.  not yet they don’t.

me:

“birth.”

frumster:

“i am interested in your background as we do not encounter many ffb african american jews. we have listed options according to where the jewish population comes from. can you tell me about where your family is from and how they came to be jewish?”

so this is where i get heated again and have to call bullshit.  before i was kinda empathetic.  maybe you’re seeing if i’m the real deal or one of the power ranger hebrew israelites you see screaming at you in times square.  [aside from the fact that if you are able to find just ONE who would identify themselves as “ffb” or “modern orthodox”, i’ll give you a million dollars].but now?  no.  it’s time to go in.  of course, i keep it classy as always.

me:

“my family on my mother’s side has been african american and jewish for a couple of centuries. and as for listing options according to “where the jewish population comes from”, not to be snippy, but that seems to be slightly off-kilter to me. aside from the fact that jews can literally be found everywhere, what option would there be for someone born of two “non-standard” ethnic converts to check? someone whose parents are both korean converts, for example, or something of a similar nature.”

and just as i’m about to rev up and send email 2 and really go in about how there are *gasp* non-convert jews of color in the world, BAM!  profile approved.

the entire ordeal took over six hours for my profile to be approved.  my ashkenazi alias?  less than two and a half. and btw, its not “basic screening process” to ask about background.

manishtana: 1, frumster: 0

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: yitro [ex 18:1–20:23]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

and this week we have the two greatest contributions to mankind that jews have ever made.

what?

no, not the ten commandments and the court system.  im talking about cpt and dodging child support.

“cpt”, for those not in the know, means “colored ppl time”, but it works for any brown ethnicity, really.  that indian friend you have who NEVER gets anywhere less than half an hour late? he’s on indian ppl time.  the black history month event thats two hours late to start?  its on bpt.  that trini girl who can never seem to pull it together anywhere near the neighborhood of four hours? well, she’s a woman. but anyway.

here we have israel with an appointment to speak to GD, and what happens? they get there late. b/c they’re frigging SLEEPING. smh. and so cpt is born.

meanwhile, earlier we have jethro, of whom this portion is the namesake, show up with zipporah, gershom and eliezer. remember them? nope, neither did moses apparently.  yeah, jethro pretty much gives the ye olden days equivalent of the standard “you need to take of yo kids” speech. and sure, while i guess its technically not the “dodging” we’re used to nowadays, since moses wasn’t particularly running, think about this: jethro had to find moses…in a ginormous effing desert.

well played sir. well played.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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“Should Old Annoyance Be Forgot…”

here we are with 2009 on its way out and 2010 on its way in. as such, id like to list five new year’s resolutions of sorts [many of which have been inspired by aliza hausman]. now this isnt a list of things that i want to do, but of things i want others to do. and yes, i realize that im a big fat jew, so why am i jumping on the secular/pagan new year’s deal? well, b/c the things id like to see resolved spring from a decidely un-jewish frame of mind and thought, and since you bastards obviously didnt pray any of your idiocy off on rosh hashana, maybe this time you’ll get ur act together. LOL! [no, not really. not even a little bit.] anyhoo.

1. stop telling jocs that they’re too sensitive/complain too much/are career victims. really, its great that u perceive that ur particular inclave is joc-friendly [altho, to add just a lil bit of credence to the merit of ur purported statement, you may want to, i dunno, ASK the jocs in ur inclave how THEY actually feel the community treats them, not how you THINK they feel or SHOULD feel based on your necessarily limited knowledge and experience of the situation]. no, white ppl, just b/c you converted does not mean you are an automatic authority on the woes of the joc community. sure, you might feel some needling due to ur convert status, but that does not even begin to open ur mind to the waves of microaggressions and grade-a ignorance a joc undergoes on a near-daily basis.

1a. as an addendum, id also like to call a halt to statements like “i dont think its THAT bad.” “do you really experience THAT much racism?” “are you sure what ur experiencing isnt just slight unease?” [all of these are actual quotes, btw]. now, [although ill prolly get the same waves of emails asking why i feel the need to devolve to physical violence as i did for my jocslapping video] im gonna give you an example:

imagine that i was complaining that as a joc i was getting punched by people on a constant basis and ur response was “are you really getting punched THAT hard?” see, ur missing the point THAT IM GETTING PUNCHED. stop asking me if im really getting punched “that hard” or “that often”, just STOP FUCKING PUNCHING ME.

2. please, everyone, get over the assumption that racism and ignorance only exist in the orthodox jewish community. the reform and conservatives just do it in hipper clothes and with better hair.

2a. as an addendum: non-orthodox jocs, us orthodox jocs who speak of our negative experiences are not crazy. we feel great that you’ve had such lovely experiences, but sadly that has not been the case for all of us. it isnt something that “we” are “putting out there” or what “we” are “doing”. and although, no, not all ashkenazi or other non-jocs are rabid, horse-riding, sheet wearing racists, yes racism is pervasive and institutionalized in american judaism. please stop trying to tell us its not. when synagogues have in their constitution that “this congregation will not encourage or interfere with making proselytes under any pretence until he, she or they provide credentials…and, provided he, she, or they are not people of color” [congregation kaal kadesh, south carolina] and that the congregation is limited to “white isrealits [sic] only” [another synagogue whose name i cant recall at the moment] then yes, its institutionalized. when a rabbi receives death threats before attending their pulpit b/c they’re black [rabbi alyssa stanton], then yes, its pervasive.

3. randomly, j***h’s witnesses, please stop trying to recruit me while im walking down the block on shabbat in my jewniform. clearly, ive already been drafted by a team. however, im sure some of those guys over there in the dugouts could use your help more. and by “guys in the dugouts” i mean “those Gdless drug dealers over there on the corner”.

4. ppl who dont support/believe in the state of israel are not any more un-jewish than you are. theyre un-ZIONIST. yes “anti-zionist” is usually code for “anti-semitic”…if ur a NON-JEW. but if you ARE jewish, then you know the difference. please stop being so holier-than-thou. if i dont believe ur supporting the state of israel makes you a death-eater, then me not supporting the state of israel shouldnt make me lord voldemort. either way im sure we can BOTH agree that flying planes into buildings is a very not good thing to do.

5. black [and other ethnic] ppl: please stop condescending/pitying us jocs b/c you feel we abandonded your savior to be jews. more importantly, stop patting urselves on the back for remaining so blindly faithful to the religion that was forced down your throat and most responsible for stripping away ur original culture, enslaving you and oppressing you.

thank you for ur time.

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Vayera [gen 18:1-22:24]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

now this week’s portion is full of all kinds of juicy bits.

after circumcising himself and having tea with his three visitors, abraham’s first official act as a jew is to haggle with Gd.  no seriously.  abraham tries to jew Gd out of destroying sodom, eventually trying to weasel some redemption out of Him for the low low price of ten righteous guys.  abraham fails, because, y’know, he’s up against GD, and in atonement for this, abraham’s descendants are cursed to haggle with everyone they ever meet in life, ever.

also, we are introduced to the evil that is sodom and gomorrah, whom the midrash takes the time to expound on the depths of their evil.  now to all you religious parents out there: sure, you worry about what your kids see on tv and stuff, but you should really watch some of those midrashes, too.  i remember my pre-teen self trying my darndest to convince myself how evil sodom was when i read that they buried one of lot’s daughter’s alive in a nest of ants while naked and covered in honey.  wasn’t very succesful.

tween me: damn those sodomites, covering naked women in honey.  that’s just…that’s just horrible…and, uh, evil…and stuff…bastards…

anyhoo, somewhere in that whole ordeal lot gets it on with not one, but BOTH of his daughters.  fantastic.  and by “fantastic”, i mean “wtffnswtf?” (“what the f**ing f**k?  no, seriously, what the f**k?”)

in more child troubles, sarah tells abraham to kick ishmael out because she doesn’t like the cut of his jib or how he treats isaac.  abraham says they’re just kids having fun.  the midrash tells us that ishmael used to shoot arrows at isaac.  really?  is that what you think kids do for fun??  although, in abraham’s defense, his childhood consisted of dodging sacrifice duty, ducking armed guards from the king and playing hopscotch in burning furnaces.  he probably wished someone would just shoot arrows at him.

at last, we end with the binding of isaac. great stuff.  a father selflessly sacrificing his son.  a son eager to help his father fulfill a divine commandment.  the midrash says, in fact, that isaac asked abraham to tie his hands so that he [isaac] didn’t inadvertently invalidate the sacrifice.  yeah, okay.  i’m sure that’s how that went down.

isaac: father?

abraham: here i am, my son.

isaac: behold the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?

abraham: Gd will seek Himself out the lamb for the sacrifice.

isaac: um…okay.  i mean, it was kinda Gd’s idea for us to come out here and offer a sacrifice, so, i dunno, just seems kinda random.

abraham: Gd works in mysterious ways.

isaac:…alright…anyhoo, can i at least hold something?  i mean, you’ve got the firewood and the matches and everything.  i kinda don’t see why i’m even here, rea–

[isaac has moment of realization]

isaac: are you SERIOUS?

abraham: uh…Gd will seek Hims–

isaac: oh, save it, alright!  dammit! you couldn’t have told me this three days ago?  “hey son, wanna go for a trip where i end up killing you at the end”? sacrifice me?  yeah.  better tie my @ss down, old man.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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a history of implicit violence

hey guys. im really glad that so many of you enjoyed my joc-slapping video.  funnily enough thought, some ppl didnt appreciate, the tone, language, or “implicit” threat of violence. now, im not sure if i was unclear in my intro video, or if ppl have just never actually read what i write, so lemme just say it again:whatever  need to do or say for you to change how you look at things, or how you act, or how you treat people, im gonna do. don’t criticize my methods when you should really be asking why i even need to approach the issues this way for you to pay attention. why do i need to shock and threaten you? 

in other news, the night i put up the video, a girl i don’t know, have never spoken to, and have never seen, messaged me on facebook chat at 3:20 in the morning to tell me that not only had she seen the video, but that she also felt guilty now about the times she’d stared at this black girl at work who was wearing a star of david.  isn’t that wild?  that this random, two-minute long video just–BAM!–changed something? just like that? thats CRAZY! sure its one out of millions, but still, thats really freaking crazy.  and kinda the point of why i did the video in the first place, i guess…so to all the naysayers out there: what have you done lately?

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Noach [gen 6:9-11:32]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

“it’s the end of the world as we know it, but i’m not feeling particularly fine.”

yep, in this parsha, Gd flips out doug ramsey style and orders the world to “shut it down“!  of course, “shutting it down” in this case means “engulf the world in copious volumes of scalding water“.  noah, his fam, and a choice few animals escape into the ark and survive the death and destruction going on outside to eventually build a new world.  crazy, right?   i mean, the flood lasted for a whole year.  a whole year in an ark with just your family??  not to mention your wife [who, unless you’re cham, you’re not getting any from] and a gajillion animals you’ve gotta feed.  the midrash tells us that this one time?  noah showed up late to give the lion his food?  and the lion just wilds out and slaps and/or bites him. 

well. no kidding!

i imagine that about six months in, things in the ark started turning sour a la “the real world”:

this is the true story…of 1.5 million species of animals…picked to live in an ark…survive the apocalypse together and have their lives hang in the balance…to find out what happens…when people stop being polite…and start getting real…

noah: hey lion.

lion: sup, man.

noah: things were crazy with the ostriches, but i got your…what?…what’s that look for?

lion: you know how long i’ve been sitting here waiting, man?  six hours.

noah: look, man, i’m sorry but-

lion: sorry?  oh you’re sorry.  you got me sitting up here next to these zebras all day, with no food, but you’re sorry.  cuz that’s really what i need to see when i’m dizzy from hunger–a bunch of black and white lines running back and forth all day long.

noah:  well i already told you i can’t do anything about the arrangement i–

lion: well you better do something, homey.  cuz if i hear one more thing from that damn deer over there talking about how i ate his daddy, imma–

deer:  but you did eat my pops, you–

lion:  SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP! IF I HEAR YOU [BLEEP] ABOUT THAT [BLEEP] ONE MORE [BLEEP] TIME, I SWEAR TO YHVH I’M GONNA BITE YOUR [BLEEP] HEAD OFF THE MOTHER[BLEEP] SECOND WE’RE OFF THIS BOAT–

deer:  mother[bleep], WHAT?

lion:  what?  WHAT, bambi?

deer:  BAMBI? i wish a mother[bleep] would.

noah:  yo man, calm down!  just calm do-

lion:  get the [BLEEP] off me you-

[lion bites noah]

noah: [BLEEP]!  that was my [bleep] LEG, man! [bleep]!  what the [BLEEP] is wrong with you? [bleep]!

lion:  yeah, well, i bet your @ss’ll be here on time next time, won’t it?

craziness.

–MaNishtana

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the other black meat

“[cham] emerged from the ark black-skinned, and all his descendants are also black forever”—the midrash says, 1980

ahh, the good ol’ “hamitic myth”.  very multi-purpose, this one, capable of building bridges between jews and christians even, as not only was it the logic employed by “religious” european christians in the face of slavery as justification for barbaric acts of subjugation, it is also one of the pillars behind the subversive culture of racism and condescension that lurks within the bowels of Judaism

for the uninitiated, the “hamitic myth” or “curse of ham” is as follows:  while in the ark, Gd commands that every being within refrain from marital relations with their spouse.  all comply with this command with the exception of the dog, the raven, and ham.  the dog and raven receive punishments, but ham, according to the most prevalent interpretations, has his skin turned black, and so all his descendants are black-skinned forever.  and so that how negroes were born.  alternatively, when noah and family leave the ark, noah plants a vineyard, gets plastered, and passes out, naked.  ham happens to pass by and see naked passed out noah and commits acts [depending on the interpretation] ranging from doing up his dad, castrating his dad, or doing up his mom.  excellent. anyhoo, when noah wakes up and gets caught up to speed, he curses canaan, ham’s son, to forever be a slave to his brothers.  and that’s why it’s okay to make black ppl slaves.

are you guys all still with me? great.  now pay attention.  this is where things get complicated.

the problem with the hamitic myth, is that none of the sources attributed to it actually state it.  the myth is supported by ambiguous talmudic statements which were translated by later medieval european commentators [most notably rashi] who no doubt looked at these sources through the lens of their society and applied racism where it was not originally intended or implied. and let’s face it: medieval europe wasn’t exactly the most “yay, black people!” place in the world.

to recap, the myth claims that the children of ham are cursed with black skin and are destined to be slaves because of the sin in the ark and the abuse of noah. which is false. ham was cursed in his skin for having relations in the ark, and only canaan was cursed to be a slave to the other brothers. the children of ham weren’t cursed in their skin, and not all the children of ham were cursed to be slaves. now on to the sources.

one of the chief and earliest sources [if not the first] is sanhedrin 108b which states:

שלשה שמשו בתיבה וכולם לקו כלב ועורב וחם כלב נקשר עורב רק חם לקה בעורו

loosely translated, the line reads “three copulated in the ark and they were all punished: the dog, and the raven, and ham.  the dog [will be] tied [i.e., presumably as a pet], the raven spits [apparently this is part of the sex act for ravens], and ham was smitten in his skin.”

note there is no mention of skin color.  hence, this line could mean ham was stricken with any number of ailments in his skin.  my personal opinion on this is that the aforementioned “smiting” was tzaraat/leprosy based on:

1-leprosy seems to be Gd’s modus operandi for “smiting”-type punishment [see pharaoh (gen 12:17/arachin16a), moses (ex 4:6), miriam (num 12:10), gehazi (2 kings 5:27), uzziah (2 chron 26:19), et al]

2-leprosy is one of the punishments for sexual immorality (arachin 16a)

at any rate, based on this verse, there is no substantiation for the assumption that ham was turned black.  which is interesting, b/c the footnote for the quote i posted at the very beginning of this piece lists sanhedrin 108b as its source. wait.  what’s that you say?  well look at that.  apparently, the first hint of color is added to this 6th century source through an 11th century footnote by the famed author of the first comprehensive commentary on the talmud, the medieval french rabbi rashi.  rashi explains “smitten in his skin” to mean: “i.e., from him descended cush (the negro) who is black-skinned.”

hmm.  the plot thins.  also, not sure why cush is suddenly in the ham-canaan equation, but anyway on to bereshit raba 36.

ר הונא בשם ר יוסף אמר: אתה מנעת אותי מלעשות דבר שהוא באפלה לפיכך יהיה אותו האיש כעור ומפחם

ok, so noah says to ham that since ham [going according to the opinion that ham castrated noah] prevented noah from doing what is done in the dark [i.e., the wild thing], ham’s seed is cursed to be, according to popular translations, “dark”.  there’s a problem here though, since the word for dark is אפל not מפחם, and although i’ve seen several translations which render מפחם as “dark” or “dusky”, it actually means neither.  מפחם is actually related to פחם, which means “charcoal”.  meaning the line in bereshit raba should probably translate “your seed will be like charcoal”.  having skin like “charcoal” is very different from being “dark”, “dusky” or even “negro”.

on an additional note,  מפחם as used in the context of the above line does not even necessarily have to mean “dark like charcoal” as it shares the same root with שיתפחמו which means “deface” as in the example given later on in the same source:

אמר המלך גוזר אני שיתפחמו פניו

“the king declared: i decree that his effigy be defaced.”

The interpretation of מפחם relating to “deface” supports my leprosy hypothesis since leprosy can be seen as a form of “defacement” both physically and socially.

however, staying on the translation of “charcoal”, let’s jump forward to 18th century spain where me’am loez quotes the 6th century tanchuma as stating ham received five punishments, three of which are:

1-his eyes became red, 2-his lips became “thick and gross like those of a negro”, 3-the hair of his head and beard became kinky. [by the way, noticed yet how there’s no discernable link from ham’s curse of blackness to canaan’s curse of eternal slavery? or from canaan’s curse of eternal slavery rebounding back to all of ham’s children? or ham’s cursed skin being inherited by all his children? perhaps im just overlooking a source…]. anyhoo, we reach another snafu, since, again, the “source” doesn’t exactly state this:

וחם על שראה בעיניו ערות אביו נעשו עיניו אדומות, ועל שהגיד בפיו נעשו שפתותיו עקומות, ועל שחזר פניו נתחרך שער ראשו וזקנו, ועל שלא כסה הערוה הלך ערום ונמשכה לו ערלתו, לפי שכל מדותיו של הקב”ה מדה כנגד מדה

translation? ham’s eyes became red. his lips became twisted or crooked. his hair became singed. big difference between “thick and gross” and “crooked”, right?  between “kinky” and “singed”? combine this whole picture of a red-eyed man with singed hair, twisted lips and skin like charcoal and we get a figure resembling someone who’s been burned, no? perhaps divine-fire style ala nadav and avihu only not killed because he was necessary in the repopulation of the Earth? at any rate, i think its pretty safe to say some creative embellishment took place over the course of the centuries.

also, rebounding canaan’s curse of slavery to all of ham’s children, rendering מפחם as “dark” or “dusky”, and extending ham’s curse to all of his line offers the following problems:

1-if we go by the interpretation that all of ham’s offspring were cursed with dark-skin forever, thereby leading to the conclusion that all dark-skinned ppl are descended from ham, the problem is that elam, asshur, mesha, ophir and sepher are descended from noah’s son shem [who is also the progenitor of abraham and thus all jewry].  according to aryeh kaplan in “the living torah“, these nations are identified with medea[persia], assyria, mecca, india, and southern arabia, respectively. all of these peoples and places range from “dusky” to “dark-skinned.” so if dark-skinned people exist only because of the curse on ham and canaan, how did these nations end up with dark skin?

2-moses’ hand turns white. as white as snow, in fact. now if he was a fair-skinned person, then this means his skin turned an unnatural shade of white, which means by extension, ham and cannan’s skin turned an unnatural shade of black. or, if he were darker-skinned and thereby so shocked at the change of his hand color that it was compared to snow, then this means he was considerably dark-skinned, which again begs the question how, if all dark people were so colored because of ham’s curse?

3-canaan was cursed. this is why eliezer was sent to find a wife for isaac from abraham’s family instead of from the canaanites they lived among, b/c there can’t be a good union btw the blessed [isaac] and the cursed [a canaanite girl]. if the curse is extended to all of cham’s offspring, this is problematic, considering that moses marries tzippora, who is later identified as a cushite, thus descended from cush, one of ham’s offspring, and therefore cursed.

do ppl still question why jocs need a voice? or need to step it up in terms of observance and participation in judaism? why we need to establish our own? there’s a whole wealth of options and interpretations that arent even being humored, let alone considered, and judaism for the past thousand years or so has for better or for worse been looked at solely through a european lens. lets get the rest of the picture out there too, shall we?

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Bereshit [Gen 1:1-6:8]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so here we are at the start of it all. the beginning of this wild crazy place called the world as we know it. if anyone ever needed any proof that the first man and woman were in all likelihood black, its right there in black and white for everyone to see. because adam and eve arent in the garden of eden two seconds before they immediately start lowering the property value.

at any rate, the sages traditionally place the blame of the forbidden fruit eating on adam for adding an additional unnecessary fence of not touching the tree to the actual rule of not eating from the tree. as any good rabbi knows, there should be at least 7-12 unnecessary fences around the gate that leads to the bridge that’s in front of the brick wall which surrounds the moat which protects the tower which houses the actual rule in the dungeon that my father bought for two zuzim, a kid, a kid.

other sages say it was adam’s fault for not checking to see if the food eve was offering him was “kosher.”

i say they’re all being too hard on adam. guys, back me up here. after all, we all know how unlikely it is for us to know the eye color of our closest female acquaintances b/c our eyes rarely make the strenuous trek north of a woman’s neck. and thats when she’s fully clothed. eve was naked. adam didnt stand a chance.

adam didn’t check if the food was “kosher”? more like he didnt even realize the nice naked lady in front of him had even given him something to eat in the first place:

eve: so i was in the garden talking to this snake right?

adam: uh huh

eve: and he was like eat this food, it’ll make you, like, a god or something?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway–are you even listening?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway, i had some of it and it tastes alright and stuff, but i dunno.

adam: uh huh

eve: here you try it.

[adam absently takes fruit, bites]

adam: uh huh

eve: see? you feel any different?

adam: uh huh

Gd: um, hey guys…whatcha doing?

adam: nothin

Gd: cool. i was just…adam, are–are you eating the one fruit i specifically asked you not to??

adam: what? what’re you–

[adam looks down at hand]

adam:…oh well this isnt good.  this isnt good at all.

Gd: so, like, can i get an explanation or something?

adam: i–i just–and she–her–with the boobs, and the, and the…the boobs?

Gd:……….okay, so im just gonna ask eve, okay? okay.

see? no chance.

–MaNishtana

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Urban Parsha V’zot HaB’racha [deut 33:1-34:12]

urban parsha”.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and so moses said: “look y’all im about to be out. for real. now imma spit y’all some blessings one last time. ru-bizzle don’t let ppl punk you cuz y’all small right now, you feel me? ju da man, G got your back when ppl tryna run up on you. l-veezy, y’all got the urim v’tumim cuz y’all held it down. G be smiting y’all enemies in the loins. that’s some serious ish right there.  bennie man, G got mad feelings for you.  jo-jo there’s two of y’all so y’all  get mad blessing with all kinda crazy ish like suns and moons and hills and mountains and heavens and earths and all that kinda ish. zeb’loon y’all be cheesing when you out there on tour, and lil izzy y’all be feeling mad nice in y’all crib. mr g, y’all dudes be crazy, tearing dudes heads and arms off.  that’s some lion type-ish. d.a.n. y’all got some of that lion jump-off too. naphtallyman, y’all be easy posted up in the dirty south, ya heard me?  dr a., e’erybody’ll be feening to cop some of y’all oil. sim-simma, you aint get none cuz im still tight with y’all acting a fool over that kozbi shorty, but G got ur back anyway.

peace out my dudes.”

…and so we’ve reached the last installation of “urban parsha“. hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as i have. but never fear! starting up with bereshit will be “real talk parsha” and you’ll be able to find all of “urban parsha” archived over at http://urbanparsha.wordpress.com/. see you soon….

–MaNishtana

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