my one night stand-off

hey guys.  i know, i know, i’ve been a little bit lax for the past three or so months.  don’t worry, soon enough you will be able to find the rest of the “real talk parsha: shemot” series at a soon to be disclosed place.  but i’ve got a good excuse why i’ve fallen off the wagon.  see, after an eight-year relationship i recently found myself very un-engaged.

[audience: awww…..]

yeah, yeah, relax guys, i’m alright.  but in my newfound singleness i decided—mostly for kicks—hey, why not join one of them there jewish dating sites i hear so much about?  i’m really curious what kinda freaks [physically, not sexually] they’d hook me up with.  so over to frumster.com i go.

firstly, i’m annoyed before i even get out the gate.  why?  well, apparently, according to frumster, there’s only two kinds of “ethnicities”: ashkenazi and sefaradi.  if you’re not one of those two, your only other options are “mixed ethnic” and “convert”.

zuh??

**grumble grumble**

alright, so just to keep the ball rolling, i check “sefaradi”, but when it gets to the “about you” section, i give frumster a lil piece of my mind:

“about me? well, firstly i’m known ocassionally as the blogger manishtana. look me up. also, im a lil annoyed that the only categories under ethnicity are ashkenaz, sfardi, mixed ethnic and convert. im none of those. however, there’s no african-american tab, so here i am. beyond that, i’m pretty much the same collection of cliches every other guy throws out there. “fun-loving” “likes to have a good time” “down to earth” “easygoing”. except in my case you should prolly add “seethingly sarcastic” and “awesome”. or just talk to me and find out “about” me.”

anyhoo, i finish my profile, upload my pic, keep it moving and sign out.

fast forward to 10:37 the next morning, and i find an email in my inbox.  it’s from frumster:

“can you tell me a little bit about your jewish background as part of a basic screening process?”

at first, i’m inclined to comply.  then i think, waitaminute, i already answered “modern orthodox” when they asked my religious observance.  i clicked “orthodox religious” when they asked the household i was raised in.  what exactly can they possibly be asking for at this point?  i have to admit, i’m slightly heated at this point.  but i decide to give it the benefit of the doubt.  maybe this is just a “basic screening process” kinda deal.  so, [because i’m not a naïve idiot] just to test this, i quickly whip up a fake profile, complete with pic of some white facebook friend of mine, and click “ashkenaz”.

anyhoo, back to replying to frumster:

“what are you interested in knowing?”

frumster:

“you specified in your profile that we did not have your correct ethnicity, can you please explain?”

me:

“i’m an ffb african-american orthodox jew, therefore i don’t ethnically fall into any of the ethnicity categories you provide.”

frumster:

“i apologize if this comes off blunt, but is your mother jewish by birth or orthodox conversion?”

now, i’m really not sure what that has to do with the issue of my ethnicity not being present, but i’m guessing they think they have some kinda troublemaker on their hands now.  not yet they don’t.

me:

“birth.”

frumster:

“i am interested in your background as we do not encounter many ffb african american jews. we have listed options according to where the jewish population comes from. can you tell me about where your family is from and how they came to be jewish?”

so this is where i get heated again and have to call bullshit.  before i was kinda empathetic.  maybe you’re seeing if i’m the real deal or one of the power ranger hebrew israelites you see screaming at you in times square.  [aside from the fact that if you are able to find just ONE who would identify themselves as “ffb” or “modern orthodox”, i’ll give you a million dollars].but now?  no.  it’s time to go in.  of course, i keep it classy as always.

me:

“my family on my mother’s side has been african american and jewish for a couple of centuries. and as for listing options according to “where the jewish population comes from”, not to be snippy, but that seems to be slightly off-kilter to me. aside from the fact that jews can literally be found everywhere, what option would there be for someone born of two “non-standard” ethnic converts to check? someone whose parents are both korean converts, for example, or something of a similar nature.”

and just as i’m about to rev up and send email 2 and really go in about how there are *gasp* non-convert jews of color in the world, BAM!  profile approved.

the entire ordeal took over six hours for my profile to be approved.  my ashkenazi alias?  less than two and a half. and btw, its not “basic screening process” to ask about background.

manishtana: 1, frumster: 0

–MaNishtana

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link love

so. im busy a lot, and i get a lot of article notifications that i’d LOVE to blog about. however, see the aformentioned “im busy alot comment”. so, taking a page from aliza hausman, i introduce “link love”, where ill be just posting articles up here just to get the word out. if i get to blog about them i will, if not, at least you guys get to see the source material.

today’s particular link is directed at the ppl who took offense to my mere suggestion that jocs should feel free to criticize israel if they so feel without being held hostage by their ethnicity. so to all those saying that ethiopians are treated “just fine” and “accepted” in israel and that racism is an “american” judaism problem or that there is no institutionalized racism in judaism, take a gander:

Israel’s treatment of Ethiopians ‘racist’ | Abesha Bunna Bet

feel free to get back to me when ur done.

–MaNishtana

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Zip A Dee Do Dah…

with “the princess and the frog” disney has finally given the public its first african-american princess.

joy. rapture.

im sorry, was that not enthusiastic enough for you? [shrug] im just tired of society patting ppl on the back and praising them for making sputtering attempts at humanity and being touted as making progress. especially when it has been proven that said person/entity can do better.

lets just look at “frog” for a second. why is she the only disney princess with an accent? mulan didnt have one. pocahontas didnt have one. belle is french. she didnt have one. cinderella is german. she didnt have one. jasmine is from some amorphous pseudo-middle eastern kingdom. she didnt have one. so not sure whats going on there.

also, she’s not a princess. she’s just a random girl in new orleans who marries rich.  in fact, she’s just a glorified maid. i suppose everyone now will say “no she’s a cook! and wasnt cinderella a maid? there was no problem THERE.” um no, cinderella wasnt a “maid”. one, she was from the aristocracy [her family got invited to the royal ball, remember?] two, she technically legally owned the house she was a “maid” in. she just happened to have some f*cked up relatives. neither is the case for tiana [that’s our princess’ name, btw].

really disney? thats the best you can give us? a random spunky new orleans chef girl? when everyone else has gotten a genuine princess? [with the exceptions of mulan and pocahontas, which are historical tales]. there arent any african fairy tales you couldve adapted ala aladdin? you couldnt have made up a kingdom [like you did with agrabah] or a completely new story [like you did with lion king]? nope, sorry black ppl. you get random new orleans chef girl.

also, sure, yay great, we have an african american “princess”….soooo…how long till we get an african american prince?  or do we not rank as prince material? is that what this movie is saying? that sure black women can achieve their dreams and become princesses, but black men cant?  that to succeed you need to leave your race behind? [after all tiana’s parents are both black, and sure they’re happy, but they dont seem to have “made it” or escaped their circumstances right?] also, the prince dude naveen isnt “white” or “creole” or anything [which would make sense seeing as how they’re in new orleans and all]. he’s whatever the fictional ethnicity is in the fictional country of maldonia. so forget a black prince existing for black women, real princes PERIOD dont exist for black women.

third, disney made a “mistake” here that they clearly know how to avoid since they did it in aladdin. see, in aladdin, there are no such things as “arab” stereotypes, b/c everyone is arabic. sure there’s the stock “cutthroat arab” character, but next to him is the very heroic and also very arabic aladdin. so instead of being the “cutthroat arab” the character becomes just the “cutthroat character”. in “princess” the villian is the big bad voodoo black dude. who tiana and naveen have to fight together. so listen little black girls, to save the day and accomplish ur dreams, ur gonna have to beat down black guys, most often teaming up with non-black guys to do so, b/c non-black guys are good, and black guys are evil.

i suppose now ppl will start saying “why are you projecting all these ideas of race onto the little kids that are watching this movie? little kids dont see race! theyre just watching a movie!” true. kids dont think about race. because this is the age that theyre LEARNING about it. much like the reason why you plunk these same kids in front of sesame street to learn their numbers and alphabet. they dont turn their learning switch off just b/c theyre watching a non-educational cartoon. or do you really think that issues of self-esteem and self-perception occur b/c one day someone says “ok. right now im gonna sit down and consciously absorb the concept of race and race relations.”

please stop being so disingenuous. or at the very least, if ur one of the women praising “princess” for raising the self-esteem and image of black girls and how it can do no wrong, please do not be the same women who lament and decry the lack of “good” black men.

–MaNishtana

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“Should Old Annoyance Be Forgot…”

here we are with 2009 on its way out and 2010 on its way in. as such, id like to list five new year’s resolutions of sorts [many of which have been inspired by aliza hausman]. now this isnt a list of things that i want to do, but of things i want others to do. and yes, i realize that im a big fat jew, so why am i jumping on the secular/pagan new year’s deal? well, b/c the things id like to see resolved spring from a decidely un-jewish frame of mind and thought, and since you bastards obviously didnt pray any of your idiocy off on rosh hashana, maybe this time you’ll get ur act together. LOL! [no, not really. not even a little bit.] anyhoo.

1. stop telling jocs that they’re too sensitive/complain too much/are career victims. really, its great that u perceive that ur particular inclave is joc-friendly [altho, to add just a lil bit of credence to the merit of ur purported statement, you may want to, i dunno, ASK the jocs in ur inclave how THEY actually feel the community treats them, not how you THINK they feel or SHOULD feel based on your necessarily limited knowledge and experience of the situation]. no, white ppl, just b/c you converted does not mean you are an automatic authority on the woes of the joc community. sure, you might feel some needling due to ur convert status, but that does not even begin to open ur mind to the waves of microaggressions and grade-a ignorance a joc undergoes on a near-daily basis.

1a. as an addendum, id also like to call a halt to statements like “i dont think its THAT bad.” “do you really experience THAT much racism?” “are you sure what ur experiencing isnt just slight unease?” [all of these are actual quotes, btw]. now, [although ill prolly get the same waves of emails asking why i feel the need to devolve to physical violence as i did for my jocslapping video] im gonna give you an example:

imagine that i was complaining that as a joc i was getting punched by people on a constant basis and ur response was “are you really getting punched THAT hard?” see, ur missing the point THAT IM GETTING PUNCHED. stop asking me if im really getting punched “that hard” or “that often”, just STOP FUCKING PUNCHING ME.

2. please, everyone, get over the assumption that racism and ignorance only exist in the orthodox jewish community. the reform and conservatives just do it in hipper clothes and with better hair.

2a. as an addendum: non-orthodox jocs, us orthodox jocs who speak of our negative experiences are not crazy. we feel great that you’ve had such lovely experiences, but sadly that has not been the case for all of us. it isnt something that “we” are “putting out there” or what “we” are “doing”. and although, no, not all ashkenazi or other non-jocs are rabid, horse-riding, sheet wearing racists, yes racism is pervasive and institutionalized in american judaism. please stop trying to tell us its not. when synagogues have in their constitution that “this congregation will not encourage or interfere with making proselytes under any pretence until he, she or they provide credentials…and, provided he, she, or they are not people of color” [congregation kaal kadesh, south carolina] and that the congregation is limited to “white isrealits [sic] only” [another synagogue whose name i cant recall at the moment] then yes, its institutionalized. when a rabbi receives death threats before attending their pulpit b/c they’re black [rabbi alyssa stanton], then yes, its pervasive.

3. randomly, j***h’s witnesses, please stop trying to recruit me while im walking down the block on shabbat in my jewniform. clearly, ive already been drafted by a team. however, im sure some of those guys over there in the dugouts could use your help more. and by “guys in the dugouts” i mean “those Gdless drug dealers over there on the corner”.

4. ppl who dont support/believe in the state of israel are not any more un-jewish than you are. theyre un-ZIONIST. yes “anti-zionist” is usually code for “anti-semitic”…if ur a NON-JEW. but if you ARE jewish, then you know the difference. please stop being so holier-than-thou. if i dont believe ur supporting the state of israel makes you a death-eater, then me not supporting the state of israel shouldnt make me lord voldemort. either way im sure we can BOTH agree that flying planes into buildings is a very not good thing to do.

5. black [and other ethnic] ppl: please stop condescending/pitying us jocs b/c you feel we abandonded your savior to be jews. more importantly, stop patting urselves on the back for remaining so blindly faithful to the religion that was forced down your throat and most responsible for stripping away ur original culture, enslaving you and oppressing you.

thank you for ur time.

–MaNishtana

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To Me, My Idiots…

random manishtana fact no 78: i worked in a comic book and videogame store for eight years. and im a proud dc boy. superman. bats. flash. justice league. yknow.  see, i never got the marvel universe.

actually, more to the point, i never got the deal with how the marvel universe reacted to mutants. everyone hated them. black, white, asian, gay, straight, everyone. that just didnt seem very realistic to me. was the marvel universe a world that never experienced slavery? jim crow?the holocaust? the japanese interment camps? that was the only way it made sense to me for everyone to be on board that mutants were all horrible and evil–if they themselves had never endured the same tyrannical oppression.

then, this past week i had a conversation with a co-worker of mine, an older jamaican woman. [i mention this b/c she’s 1-old enough to have lived through the civil rights era, 2-she’s jamaican, and therefore doubly well aware of how negative/derogatory stereotypes are slapped onto groups].  we got around to discussing the shooting at fort hood, at which point she bursts out that we should just round up all them muslim and send them back to where they came from b/c they keep killing ppl and she’s tired of it. and–get this–she even directly references the japanese interment camps as a positive example for precedent!

so i flip out a little.  “no one else is going around killing ppl” she says. what about timothy mcveigh?, i respond.  jim jones?  david koresh? where exactly should we ship those guys? christian american abortion clinic bombers?  aren’t those terrorists too? and since when is any group of anything  any one thing?? and let’s say you’re right. let’s say thats a good idea. whats to stop the govt from saying black ppl should be rounded up and shipped back somewhere? “well muslims are a threat”. to who?  who’s to say which group will be in power at what time to say that any particular group is a “threat”.  what’s to stop them from doing the same “round em deal” to anyone else? to you? [a logical notion that anti-abortion, anti-gay rights/marriage ppl still havent caught on to yet, btw…] didnt america close borders off a few years ago to jamaican immigrants/refugees b/c they were a “threat” bringing in drugs to the country?  were they?  “but the muslims are a threat! going around killing ppl!” and ppl say that black ppl are all on drugs and criminals.  are we? are you? am i?

“but ur jewish”

um, wow. at this point id like to sidetrack a lil and say, um, ok, i realize i push the “jew” thing a lot, so maybe some of you out there have forgotten or something? but this isn’t a spray on tan im rocking. i was pretty sure it went without saying that im also black. very black. i drank tropical fantasy when i got out of school like everyone else, played the dozens, and ill get pulled over the same way any non-jewish black guy would for “fitting the profile”. during the holocaust, my family was a lil bit too busy getting lynched down south over here in america [and then for the next twenty years after that] so you’ll have to forgive us if we were a tad distracted during that whole deal.

coming back to the delicious gumbo of disbelief, anger, indignation, and the urge to jocslap a 54 yr old jamaican woman that was stewing within, it was literally at that moment that i realized–actually thought it at that very second–“so this is how the narvel universe works.”

because people are fucking STUPID.

also, apparently i need to work on a string of “hey lookit! lookit! im black” posts for the blog.

–MaNishtana

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the other black meat

“[cham] emerged from the ark black-skinned, and all his descendants are also black forever”—the midrash says, 1980

ahh, the good ol’ “hamitic myth”.  very multi-purpose, this one, capable of building bridges between jews and christians even, as not only was it the logic employed by “religious” european christians in the face of slavery as justification for barbaric acts of subjugation, it is also one of the pillars behind the subversive culture of racism and condescension that lurks within the bowels of Judaism

for the uninitiated, the “hamitic myth” or “curse of ham” is as follows:  while in the ark, Gd commands that every being within refrain from marital relations with their spouse.  all comply with this command with the exception of the dog, the raven, and ham.  the dog and raven receive punishments, but ham, according to the most prevalent interpretations, has his skin turned black, and so all his descendants are black-skinned forever.  and so that how negroes were born.  alternatively, when noah and family leave the ark, noah plants a vineyard, gets plastered, and passes out, naked.  ham happens to pass by and see naked passed out noah and commits acts [depending on the interpretation] ranging from doing up his dad, castrating his dad, or doing up his mom.  excellent. anyhoo, when noah wakes up and gets caught up to speed, he curses canaan, ham’s son, to forever be a slave to his brothers.  and that’s why it’s okay to make black ppl slaves.

are you guys all still with me? great.  now pay attention.  this is where things get complicated.

the problem with the hamitic myth, is that none of the sources attributed to it actually state it.  the myth is supported by ambiguous talmudic statements which were translated by later medieval european commentators [most notably rashi] who no doubt looked at these sources through the lens of their society and applied racism where it was not originally intended or implied. and let’s face it: medieval europe wasn’t exactly the most “yay, black people!” place in the world.

to recap, the myth claims that the children of ham are cursed with black skin and are destined to be slaves because of the sin in the ark and the abuse of noah. which is false. ham was cursed in his skin for having relations in the ark, and only canaan was cursed to be a slave to the other brothers. the children of ham weren’t cursed in their skin, and not all the children of ham were cursed to be slaves. now on to the sources.

one of the chief and earliest sources [if not the first] is sanhedrin 108b which states:

שלשה שמשו בתיבה וכולם לקו כלב ועורב וחם כלב נקשר עורב רק חם לקה בעורו

loosely translated, the line reads “three copulated in the ark and they were all punished: the dog, and the raven, and ham.  the dog [will be] tied [i.e., presumably as a pet], the raven spits [apparently this is part of the sex act for ravens], and ham was smitten in his skin.”

note there is no mention of skin color.  hence, this line could mean ham was stricken with any number of ailments in his skin.  my personal opinion on this is that the aforementioned “smiting” was tzaraat/leprosy based on:

1-leprosy seems to be Gd’s modus operandi for “smiting”-type punishment [see pharaoh (gen 12:17/arachin16a), moses (ex 4:6), miriam (num 12:10), gehazi (2 kings 5:27), uzziah (2 chron 26:19), et al]

2-leprosy is one of the punishments for sexual immorality (arachin 16a)

at any rate, based on this verse, there is no substantiation for the assumption that ham was turned black.  which is interesting, b/c the footnote for the quote i posted at the very beginning of this piece lists sanhedrin 108b as its source. wait.  what’s that you say?  well look at that.  apparently, the first hint of color is added to this 6th century source through an 11th century footnote by the famed author of the first comprehensive commentary on the talmud, the medieval french rabbi rashi.  rashi explains “smitten in his skin” to mean: “i.e., from him descended cush (the negro) who is black-skinned.”

hmm.  the plot thins.  also, not sure why cush is suddenly in the ham-canaan equation, but anyway on to bereshit raba 36.

ר הונא בשם ר יוסף אמר: אתה מנעת אותי מלעשות דבר שהוא באפלה לפיכך יהיה אותו האיש כעור ומפחם

ok, so noah says to ham that since ham [going according to the opinion that ham castrated noah] prevented noah from doing what is done in the dark [i.e., the wild thing], ham’s seed is cursed to be, according to popular translations, “dark”.  there’s a problem here though, since the word for dark is אפל not מפחם, and although i’ve seen several translations which render מפחם as “dark” or “dusky”, it actually means neither.  מפחם is actually related to פחם, which means “charcoal”.  meaning the line in bereshit raba should probably translate “your seed will be like charcoal”.  having skin like “charcoal” is very different from being “dark”, “dusky” or even “negro”.

on an additional note,  מפחם as used in the context of the above line does not even necessarily have to mean “dark like charcoal” as it shares the same root with שיתפחמו which means “deface” as in the example given later on in the same source:

אמר המלך גוזר אני שיתפחמו פניו

“the king declared: i decree that his effigy be defaced.”

The interpretation of מפחם relating to “deface” supports my leprosy hypothesis since leprosy can be seen as a form of “defacement” both physically and socially.

however, staying on the translation of “charcoal”, let’s jump forward to 18th century spain where me’am loez quotes the 6th century tanchuma as stating ham received five punishments, three of which are:

1-his eyes became red, 2-his lips became “thick and gross like those of a negro”, 3-the hair of his head and beard became kinky. [by the way, noticed yet how there’s no discernable link from ham’s curse of blackness to canaan’s curse of eternal slavery? or from canaan’s curse of eternal slavery rebounding back to all of ham’s children? or ham’s cursed skin being inherited by all his children? perhaps im just overlooking a source…]. anyhoo, we reach another snafu, since, again, the “source” doesn’t exactly state this:

וחם על שראה בעיניו ערות אביו נעשו עיניו אדומות, ועל שהגיד בפיו נעשו שפתותיו עקומות, ועל שחזר פניו נתחרך שער ראשו וזקנו, ועל שלא כסה הערוה הלך ערום ונמשכה לו ערלתו, לפי שכל מדותיו של הקב”ה מדה כנגד מדה

translation? ham’s eyes became red. his lips became twisted or crooked. his hair became singed. big difference between “thick and gross” and “crooked”, right?  between “kinky” and “singed”? combine this whole picture of a red-eyed man with singed hair, twisted lips and skin like charcoal and we get a figure resembling someone who’s been burned, no? perhaps divine-fire style ala nadav and avihu only not killed because he was necessary in the repopulation of the Earth? at any rate, i think its pretty safe to say some creative embellishment took place over the course of the centuries.

also, rebounding canaan’s curse of slavery to all of ham’s children, rendering מפחם as “dark” or “dusky”, and extending ham’s curse to all of his line offers the following problems:

1-if we go by the interpretation that all of ham’s offspring were cursed with dark-skin forever, thereby leading to the conclusion that all dark-skinned ppl are descended from ham, the problem is that elam, asshur, mesha, ophir and sepher are descended from noah’s son shem [who is also the progenitor of abraham and thus all jewry].  according to aryeh kaplan in “the living torah“, these nations are identified with medea[persia], assyria, mecca, india, and southern arabia, respectively. all of these peoples and places range from “dusky” to “dark-skinned.” so if dark-skinned people exist only because of the curse on ham and canaan, how did these nations end up with dark skin?

2-moses’ hand turns white. as white as snow, in fact. now if he was a fair-skinned person, then this means his skin turned an unnatural shade of white, which means by extension, ham and cannan’s skin turned an unnatural shade of black. or, if he were darker-skinned and thereby so shocked at the change of his hand color that it was compared to snow, then this means he was considerably dark-skinned, which again begs the question how, if all dark people were so colored because of ham’s curse?

3-canaan was cursed. this is why eliezer was sent to find a wife for isaac from abraham’s family instead of from the canaanites they lived among, b/c there can’t be a good union btw the blessed [isaac] and the cursed [a canaanite girl]. if the curse is extended to all of cham’s offspring, this is problematic, considering that moses marries tzippora, who is later identified as a cushite, thus descended from cush, one of ham’s offspring, and therefore cursed.

do ppl still question why jocs need a voice? or need to step it up in terms of observance and participation in judaism? why we need to establish our own? there’s a whole wealth of options and interpretations that arent even being humored, let alone considered, and judaism for the past thousand years or so has for better or for worse been looked at solely through a european lens. lets get the rest of the picture out there too, shall we?

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Bereshit [Gen 1:1-6:8]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so here we are at the start of it all. the beginning of this wild crazy place called the world as we know it. if anyone ever needed any proof that the first man and woman were in all likelihood black, its right there in black and white for everyone to see. because adam and eve arent in the garden of eden two seconds before they immediately start lowering the property value.

at any rate, the sages traditionally place the blame of the forbidden fruit eating on adam for adding an additional unnecessary fence of not touching the tree to the actual rule of not eating from the tree. as any good rabbi knows, there should be at least 7-12 unnecessary fences around the gate that leads to the bridge that’s in front of the brick wall which surrounds the moat which protects the tower which houses the actual rule in the dungeon that my father bought for two zuzim, a kid, a kid.

other sages say it was adam’s fault for not checking to see if the food eve was offering him was “kosher.”

i say they’re all being too hard on adam. guys, back me up here. after all, we all know how unlikely it is for us to know the eye color of our closest female acquaintances b/c our eyes rarely make the strenuous trek north of a woman’s neck. and thats when she’s fully clothed. eve was naked. adam didnt stand a chance.

adam didn’t check if the food was “kosher”? more like he didnt even realize the nice naked lady in front of him had even given him something to eat in the first place:

eve: so i was in the garden talking to this snake right?

adam: uh huh

eve: and he was like eat this food, it’ll make you, like, a god or something?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway–are you even listening?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway, i had some of it and it tastes alright and stuff, but i dunno.

adam: uh huh

eve: here you try it.

[adam absently takes fruit, bites]

adam: uh huh

eve: see? you feel any different?

adam: uh huh

Gd: um, hey guys…whatcha doing?

adam: nothin

Gd: cool. i was just…adam, are–are you eating the one fruit i specifically asked you not to??

adam: what? what’re you–

[adam looks down at hand]

adam:…oh well this isnt good.  this isnt good at all.

Gd: so, like, can i get an explanation or something?

adam: i–i just–and she–her–with the boobs, and the, and the…the boobs?

Gd:……….okay, so im just gonna ask eve, okay? okay.

see? no chance.

–MaNishtana

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Urban Parsha V’zot HaB’racha [deut 33:1-34:12]

urban parsha”.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and so moses said: “look y’all im about to be out. for real. now imma spit y’all some blessings one last time. ru-bizzle don’t let ppl punk you cuz y’all small right now, you feel me? ju da man, G got your back when ppl tryna run up on you. l-veezy, y’all got the urim v’tumim cuz y’all held it down. G be smiting y’all enemies in the loins. that’s some serious ish right there.  bennie man, G got mad feelings for you.  jo-jo there’s two of y’all so y’all  get mad blessing with all kinda crazy ish like suns and moons and hills and mountains and heavens and earths and all that kinda ish. zeb’loon y’all be cheesing when you out there on tour, and lil izzy y’all be feeling mad nice in y’all crib. mr g, y’all dudes be crazy, tearing dudes heads and arms off.  that’s some lion type-ish. d.a.n. y’all got some of that lion jump-off too. naphtallyman, y’all be easy posted up in the dirty south, ya heard me?  dr a., e’erybody’ll be feening to cop some of y’all oil. sim-simma, you aint get none cuz im still tight with y’all acting a fool over that kozbi shorty, but G got ur back anyway.

peace out my dudes.”

…and so we’ve reached the last installation of “urban parsha“. hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as i have. but never fear! starting up with bereshit will be “real talk parsha” and you’ll be able to find all of “urban parsha” archived over at http://urbanparsha.wordpress.com/. see you soon….

–MaNishtana

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As Seen On TV!

so im in the editing room, editing some blog footage of mine with a friend. some white dude sees the text “manishtana” next to this black dude on screen [me]. you know the kind of white dude. the [secular, jewish] kind whose ears perk up when hebrew terms find themselves inappropriately leaving ethnic mouths, so they feel the need to investigate on behalf of the jewish people as compensation perhaps for being religiously lax in their own lives.

anyhoo, he asks what the footage is about since he sees me in it wearing–and i quote–“what is called a yarmulke in my world.” now im incognito at the time [“incognito” meaning i like fedoras, so i was wearing one and not particularly feeling like taking it off to prove i was jew-flagging], so i just play the rough cut of the vid, since a simple viewing of it would answers his questions.  of course, his moment of clarity was not exactly how i expected:

“ah, i see. the character is jewish.”

[headdesk]

couldnt have MADE that up.

oh, yes, MaNishtanaTV is coming ppl. b/c print is becoming increasingly inadequate to berate ppl via.

–MaNishtana

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Urban Parsha Ha’azinu [deut 32:1-52]

urban parsha“.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and so moses began his song, which sounded suspiciously like its beat was sampled from “i’m on a boat”:

Send “Haazinu” Ringtones to Cell
Moses ft T-Pain
[Intro (T-Pain)]
(Shortayyyy) Aww yeah
Getcha ears ready it’s about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Miriam and Israel y’all had y’all chance (yeah)
But now its time for me to step up here
I’m runnin this, let’s go

[Chorus (T-Pain)]
I wrote a song (I wrote a song)
I wrote a song (I wrote a song)
Everyone listen to me cause I’m singin my new song (singin my new song)
I wrote a song (I wrote a song)
I wrote a song
Take a good hard listen to the motherf****n song (song, yeah)

[The Lonely Island (T-Pain)]
I wrote a song motherf***r take a listen here
Heaven, Earth, take a seat and gimme your ear
Like rain and dew I’m flowin and I can’t go wrong
You can’t stop me motherf***r cuz I wrote a song

G is perfect, y’all (y’all) G is faithful, trick (trick)
You all crooked like a wack-looking broken stick (stick)
He set them nations up, gave them they own land
But you special Israel, so he keep you in his hand

He found you in the desert, kept you fed and ish
Got you the manna, that fulfilled your e’ery wish
But listen up now, that’s as real as it gets
I wrote this song motherf***r, don’t you ever forget

Had y’all all regal, on his back like an eagle
But y’all wanted to bail and go and mingle
G’s the king of the world, but y’all went and kicked him
Running after new g’s like y’all aint picked him
{Shut the f**k up, this song is REAL!!!}

F**k swords, he’ll send plague, motherf***r (motherf***r)
F**k men, he’ll send beasts, motherf***r (motherf***r)
He’ll send nations unleashed, motherf***r (yeah)
Y’all wish y’all were deceased, motherf***r

Hey y’all, if you could see y’all now (see y’all now)
Arms spread wide praying to a cow (to a cow)
G’s the only g, to this I avow (I avow)
Anyone one next him, that is just impossible

[T-Pain]
Yeah, don’t worry y’all I’ll still have ya backs
When y’all captors get too hard with the smacks (yeah)
Believe and pray to me, oh (all hands up high)
They’ll never think they’d see the day
When the big G comin they way
Believe me when I say, I’ll blow them away

[Chorus]

[T-Pain]
Whoahhh
Sha-sha-shorty, shorty
Yeah yeah yeahhh

Send “Haazinu” Ringtones to Cell

[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that. and this is how some people speak?  for real?  cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous?  well thats how you sound.  lets get it together black ppl.  acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid…

…as for “urban parsha“…hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours?  you can have a lot of fun with it.  shabbat shalom.]

–MaNishtana

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